Some one liners from Chic Murray :
We’ve got stained glass windows in the house, it’s those damned pigeons
Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep
My father was a simple man, my mother was a simple woman, you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton !
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn’t wash my Y-fronts for a month
She had been married to often she bought a drip dry wedding dress
The Police stopped me when I was out in the car and told me it was a spot check. I admitted to 2 pimples and a boil
I rang the door bell of a small bed and breakfast in Whitley Bay, whereupon a lady appeared at an upstairs window. She asked me what I wanted and I said ‘I want to stay here’, ‘Well stay there then’ she said and shut the window.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows, when I woke up my pillow was missing
My parents never understood me, they were Japanese
I stranger accosted me and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea as I was a stranger there myself
I wouldn’t say I was a slow developer, but my teacher was quite pleased to have someone of her own age in the class
My boat is so old that it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder
I made a stupid mistake last week, but come to think of it did you ever hear of anyone making a clever mistake ?
What use is happiness ? It can’t buy you money !
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section
My girlfriend is a redhead, no hair just a red head
My parents were wonderful, always there with a ready compromise. My sister wanted a cat and I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark
I was walking up the road. I knew I was walking as one foot was following the other. A car drew up beside me and the driver asked it he could give me a lift. I replied that I didn’t need one as I live in a bungalow
My next door neighbour asked if it was ok to use my lawnmower. I replied ‘No problem, but don’t take it out of my garden’
I was walking by the banks of the Clyde with my mate who said ‘If you look across the river you can see Dumbarton Rock’ I stared for a full 10 minutes but never saw it move
I got on a bus and went upstairs. The conductor came along and I asked for a single to the West End. He said ‘We don’t go to the West End’ I said you’ve got West End on the front of the bus. He said ‘We’ve got Persil on the back of the bus, but we don’t take in washing’
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
The Reverend Ian Paisley went swimming on holiday in the Caribbean with a load of Catholic priests
They were attacked by a shark and only Mr. Paisley survived
The Lifeguard asked the Reverend how on earth he had managed to survive’
He said
My T-shirt has ‘Ian Paisley loves the Pope’ in big letters on the back and even a shark wouldn’t swallow that one !
———————————————————————————————————–
Two nuns and their Mother Superior went up to Heaven and St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates
He asked the first nun who the woman was that Adam met in the Bible
She said ‘Eve’
That’s right, he said, In you go.
And where did they meet ? he asked the second Nun
In the Garden of Eden, she replied
That’s right he said, in you go
Then he asked the Mother Superior what were the first words that Eve said to Adam
Oh dear, she said
That’s a really hard one !
Well done said St. Peter, in you go
———————————————————————————————————–
Santa came down the chimney and was confronted by a beautiful lady wearing a negligee and who propositioned him.
He said : I’m far to busy to spend any time here as I’ve got so many presents to deliver
She undid the negligee and it dropped to the floor, leaving her harry starkers !
Oh well, Santa said, I’ll have to stay here now as I will never be able to get back up that chimney !
Geordie phoned Rake Lane Hospital to ask for an ambulance as his wife was having a baby
The receptionist said
‘Tell me is this her first baby ?’
‘No’ he said, this is George her husband speaking.
A pirate went into a pub
The barmaid asked him why he only had one leg – and he said that it was shot off with a cannon ball
She asked him why he only had one arm with a hook and he said it was chopped off with a cutlass in a naval skirmish
She asked him why he only had one eye, with a black eye patch
He said ‘I was looking up at the sky when a seagull splattered me in the eye and it was the first day when I was wearing my new hook !’
A lad went into a shoe shop in North Shields.
He said that he had Size 9 feet
The assistant said ‘You are not size 9, you are 43 as we’ve gone metric’
But when he tried on a pair of Size 43 shoes they were too big
The assistant said
‘You must be eight and a half !’
A lass went into a fashion shop in North Shields
‘Can I try that dress on in the shop window ?’ she asked
The shop assistant said ‘I’m afraid you will have to use the changing room !’
A young lady, straight out of school, got a job in a chemist shop
She explained to the pharmacist that she was very shy and wasn’t at all keen selling condoms to customers – but her boss said
‘No problem, they only come in three sizes – London Rubber Company codes 310, 320 and 330 – standard, large and huge.’
Her first customer was a fine figure of a man who came in and asked for 350
She was so embarrassed that she ran into the back of the shop and told the pharmacist what the man wanted.
The pharmacist said ‘Has this man got a big bucket dangling between his legs ?’
‘Yes’ she replied
He‘s the window cleaner’ said the pharmacist
‘Give him £3.50’
Stormy Daniels and the Queen turned up at the Pearly Gates of Heaven at the same time and St Peter told them he could only admit one more person that day – so Stormy whipped up her T-shirt and said ‘Get a load of that, what more could you ask for ?’, The Queen just went over to the toilet and flushed it.
Straight away St Peter said ‘Come this way your majesty’ and Stormy went ballistic and said
‘How come you let the Queen in when she flushes the toilet and I’ve got this magnificent body ?’
St. Peter said
‘Stormy, even you should know that a Royal Flush always beats a Pair, no matter how big it is’
I went for a medical last week to my doctor, who is heavily into Astrology
He said, I’m afraid you haven’t got long to live as Mercury is in Uranus
I don’t believe in that nonsense I said
You don’t understand said the doctor, my thermometer has snapped
A man living by the seaside got a knock on the door from the Police and the copper said I have some terrible news for you but two lots of very good news …… he said Your wife has drowned in the sea ……. that’s awful said the man ….. but what’s the good news ? Well, said the officer, when we pulled her out there were 3 beautiful lobsters attached to her ….. and even better, we’ve put her back in the water and are pulling her up again tomorrow morning
Geordie took two old stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow – and the presenter said that they were a very rare set produced by a celebrated Tyneside taxidermist
Do you have any idea what they might fetch in good condition ?
‘ Sticks’ said Geordie
Geordie and his mate promised an old fishing friend that they would bury him at sea, so they loaded his coffin in a boat and rowed out to sea
‘I’m knackered’ said Geordie, ‘surely it’s deep enough by now’
‘I’ll check’ he said and promptly jumped into the water
‘Well’ he said
‘It’s definitely deep enough – pass me the shovel’
There are a number of mechanical devices that induce sexual arousal in a woman – chief among these is the Mercedes Benz SL500
It’s a fact that women who are overweight live longer than men who mention it.
Geordie’s wife said to him ‘I’ve had enough, I want a divorce, all you think about is football, football, football and we never even get a holiday together’.
Geordie said, ‘We can’t divorce pet after all this time, we’ve been together for over 25 seasons’
A wealthy college student had a willy transplant as he wasn’t happy with the size of his member, but unfortunately his right hand rejected it
A lad said to his father
‘Dad, there was a man at the circus who got on a horse, slid right underneath it, grabbed the horse’s tail and pulled himself onto the horse’s neck !’
‘That’s nothing’ said his Dad …. ‘I did that the first time I rode a horse’
A man was being pursued by a Police car on the motorway at over 100mph
The copper pulled him in and asked him why he was driving so fast
The guy said
‘My wife went off with a Police Officer and I thought it might be you – bringing her back !’
As the traffic warden’s coffin was being lowered into the ground there was a frantic shout from inside :
‘I’m alive, please rescue me, I’m alive’
But with a wry smile the Vicar said
‘Sorry old boy, it’s too late, I’ve already filled in the paper work’ !
A new young GP, straight out of medical school, called to see an elderly aristocratic lady in her stately home and was shown up to the bed chamber by a maid
He asked the old lady ‘Have you ever been bedridden ?’
‘Many hundreds of times, young man
And I was regularly table-ended and back-scuttled ‘
Geordie was acquitted of an armed bank robbery at Newcastle Crown Court.
‘Great’ he said to the judge
‘Does that mean I can keep the money ?’
‘Hello you have reached the Men’s Helpline
My name is Bob
Can I help you ?’
‘Yes, I suspected that my wife was being unfaithful to me. It’s the usual things like the phone ringing but no-one there when I pick it up and she always going out with ‘the girls’. I try and stay up for her but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, one night recently I woke up and she was still out, so I got dressed, went out into the garage and hid behind my boat.
I saw her get out of a car, button up her blouse, take her panties out of her purse and put them on.
It was at that moment that I spotted a hairline crack in the bracket of my outboard motor.
Can I get it welded or do I have to replace the whole bracket ?’
A couple had twins but gave them up for adoption
One went to Egypt so they called him Amal
The other went to Spain and they called him Juan
Years later, Juan sent a photo of himself to his parents
His mother said, I’d love to see a photo of Amal as well
The husband said
‘They’re twins, once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal’
A newly wed bride was gazing out of the hotel window in Blackpool on her Honeymoon, the morning after the night before, while her blushing husband lay in bed looking very sheepish
She said
‘Blackpool Tower is much smaller than I imagined it would be as well ‘
A young bride said to her ageing husband
‘Can I get you a drink, darling ?’
‘No’ he said,
‘This Viagra has put me off drink’
A few hours later she asked him if he wanted anything to eat
‘No’ he said,
‘I’ve lost my appetite since I started taking that Viagra ‘
Several hours later she said
‘For goodness sake get off me and let me get out of bed and go to the bathroom ‘
A man went into the Confession Box, with the Priest on the other side of the partition
After 15 minutes not a word had been uttered, so the Priest knocked gently on the wooden partition
‘It’s no good knocking, mate’ said the guy
‘There’s no paper in here either ‘
A Scotsman was walking past a classy restaurant in Edinburgh with his wife
‘What an amazing smell, the food must be unbelievable’ she said
‘Oh, go on’ he thought to himself
and he walked her past the restaurant again
A guy met up with his ex-wife for a drink and they were getting along very well.
She said :
‘Can you remember when you were young and you did your party piece, bending an iron bar over your rock hard erection ?’
He said :
‘I can’t manage that any more,
‘I’ve got arthritis in my wrists !’
A couple went in to see their GP and the wife explained that although her husband was taking Viagra he still could not get the least bit aroused.
The doctor said he’d give them both a full and thorough physical examination.
First he inspected the husband, then spent about twenty minutes behind the curtain with the naked wife.
The doctor reappeared, saying to the husband :
‘There’s nothing wrong with you mate, I can’t get aroused either ‘
A new young GP was being taken on the rounds by one of the senior partners
At the first call, the older man suggested to the patient that he recommended that she ate less fresh fruit
The new partner asked why he recommended this and the older guy said
‘When I dropped my stethoscope, I noticed that her litter bin was full of banana skins !’
At the next call, the new doctor said to the lady patient
‘I think you are doing far too much for the church. It’s about time you eased off ‘
The older partner asked how on earth he knew about her church activities
The young man said
‘I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to pick it up I noticed that the Vicar was under the bed ‘
A Greek guy, a Spaniard and a Portuguese man had a drink together in a bar.
Q. Who picked up the bill ?
A. A German
A Roman walks into a bar and gives the bartender a V-sign
‘Give me 5 beers’ he said
Geordie was out with his wife for a good night’s drink in the club
He said
‘I love you, I really do, I bloody love you ‘
She said
‘Is that you or the beer talking ?’
‘It’s me talking to the beer ‘
Are you sure you want me to do this darling, cause when I’m finished you won’t be able to sit down for weeks ?
Definitely, she said,
So I put the three-piece suite on eBay
Harder
she screamed,
Harder
She gripped the edge of the coffee table tightly
Okay, I said
What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?
An elderly couple, dressed up to the nines, were out celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in a posh restaurant
She said ‘Have you got any Rennies in your pocket, I’ve got terrible heart burn ?’
‘It’s not that, my dear’ he said
‘Your left breast is in your soup’
One of the King’s lady servants had just returned from her honeymoon in Blackpool and was telling her boss all about it
‘Were you virgo intacta ?’ asked the King
‘Oh no’ she said
‘We were Full Board ‘
An old man went to the doctor and told him that he couldn’t ‘get it up’
The doctor said he could help him but that he would need to know when he last had sex
‘I can’t remember’, said the man
‘I’ll phone my wife’
‘Darling’ he said,
‘When did we last have sex ?’
She put on her poshest voice and said
‘Who is that calling ? ‘
A man was getting a dislocated shoulder put back in place in Rake Lane Hospital and was screaming in agony
The doctor said : I’ve just delivered a 14 pound baby without a murmur from the mother
The bloke said : You want to try putting it back again
A man went to the doctor as his wife had asked him to get some of those pills that would help him get a huge erection
He brought her back diet pills and he’s now walking the streets and looking for a place to live
A man got stopped by the Police and the officer said to him
Your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking ?
The man staggered out of his car and said to the officer
Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating doughnuts ?
My friend thought he was clever when he told me that an onion was the only vegetable that made him cry
I threw a coconut in his face
I can honestly say that my wife has never faked an orgasm
She’s never had enough time
I like to hide the wife’s inhaler, so the neighbours think I’m a stallion when they hear her panting
I thought the last girlfriend was the real thing, but after looking in her bedroom drawers and finding a French maid’s outfit, a nurse’s uniform and Police clothing I decided to ditch her as obviously she can’t hold a job down
I took my Rottweiller to the vet as he had a problem with his teeth.
The vet picked him up and had a good look in his mouth.
I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down, said the vet.
Has he a chronic condition ? I asked
No, said the vet
HE’S REALLY HEAVY
I ordered a wake-up call the other day in a hotel
When I picked up the phone there was a woman on the other end who said
‘What the hell are you doing with your life ?’
I was stopped in North Shields by a woman in the street who asked me if I have had a recent accident which wasn’t my fault.
I said I had and that she is just coming up to her 1st birthday
I was wondering how you send a text message to yourself
I’m newly self-employed, was on the drink last night, and don’t think I’ll be in to work today
Madonna is 55, her boyfriend is 22
Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend is 26
Don’t worry if your are not dating yet, girls, he may not be born yet
My girlfriend screamed
Oh my God, there’s a great big hairy spider in the bath with long legs !
Use this, I said, passing her my new Gillette Mach 3
‘Cliff Richard, you have the right to remain silent’
A shame no-one told him that the first time he picked up a microphone.
Someone left a carrier bag hooked over my front door knob last night.
I hadn’t realised that Aldi sold dog dirt !
What’s the difference between a Lada car and a Jehova’s Witness ?
YOU CAN SHUT THE DOOR ON A JEHOVA’S WITNESS
In the 1960s a Russian guy was told by his Lada garage that there was a 10 year wait for delivery of his new car
Having been given a date, he asked the salesman if that was morning or afternoon
Why on earth do you want to know that ? said the salesman
He said
I’ve got the plumber coming in the afternoon
Can you believe it
Monica Lewinski has just turned 60
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the floor in the White House putting everything in her mouth
They grow up so quick, don’t they ?
Lying next to her new husband in the Matrimonial Suite
she said
Have you started yet ?
He said
I finished 10 minutes ago
Missed the gym today
That’s 20 years in a row
‘Mr. Smith’, the Divorce Court Judge said
‘I’ve decided to give your wife £375 per week’
‘That’s very good of you’ said Mr. Smith
‘And every now and again I’ll give her a few quid myself ‘
An Italian gigolo made mad passionate love all night to a young lady.
Afterwards he asked
‘You feenish ?’
No, she said
So away he went again for another couple of hours non-stop, never missing a stroke
‘You feenish ?’ he asked again.
No, she said
‘I’m Norwegian ‘
______________________________________________________________________________
A very elderly couple went to the doctor, looking very embarrassed
The old geezer told the doctor that they were having problems with their sex life
‘When did you first notice this ?’ asked the Doc.
His wife said
‘Five times last night and twice this morning !’
I just got an email from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining that they are not a dating agency
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that 2 minutes every 6 months is going to get rid of my beer belly
My sex life is like a Ferrari
I don’t have a Ferrari
Just bought a nearly new 55″ Sony flatscreen television for just £50.
Only fault with it is that the volume is stuck on maximum
I couldn’t turn it down
For ages, I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body
but after I was born I was okay.
My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers around my ankles that I realised that she wanted to rent out her spare room
What makes men chase women that they have no intention of
marrying ?
It’s the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
The wife packed my bags and shouted
GET OUT !
She said
‘I wish you a slow and painful death, you cad !’
‘I’m pleased you’ve changed your mind and want me to stay’ I said.
I spent several hours defrosting the fridge last night
or foreplay
as she likes to call it
Newcastle ex-manager Alan Pardew told his players to ignore all the criticism about their sponsorship by loan-shark company Wonga.
He told them to get out on the pitch and give it 6,000% !
I’m on a Wonga diet.
I lost over 200 pounds on the first day
A Call Girl got a letter from the tax authorities asking her why she had put her occupation down as Chicken Farmer.
She replied
‘I raised over 5,000 cocks last year’
I bought the mother-in-law a cemetary plot for her Christmas present a couple of years ago
Last year she complained that I hadn’t bought her a Christmas present.
I said
‘You haven’t used the last one I gave you’ !
‘Anyway’,
I said to her
‘You know I worship the ground where you are going to be buried’
I asked the wife what she would like for a birthday present.
She said
‘Something shiny that goes from 0-180 in under 5 seconds’
I bought her some bathroom scales !
I am due out of hospital next week.
When a man talks dirty to a woman it is considered sexual harassment
When a woman talks dirty to a man it is £37.50 per minute (charges may vary)
Started sneezing uncontrollably at Tescos.
Went to doctor who said it was just that I am allergic to horses
Quazimodo has been made redundant as the bellringer at Notre Dame.
At least they gave him a LUMP SUM and BACK PAY
(Horsemeat scandal)
Tesco’s no longer give you a receipt at the checkout
You get a betting slip
It’s a boy !
It’s a boy !
he shouted out,
with tears streaming down his cheeks.
He vowed never again to visit a Thai brothel
Alcohol does not solve any problems,
but then neither does milk
Judge to prostitute :
When did you realise young lady that you had been raped ?
Prostitute :
When his cheque bounced
Women will never be equal to men until they learn to walk down the street with a bald head, a six pack of beer and a huge beer gut and still think they are sexy
Why not go on a SAGA cruise ?
Know what SAGA stands for ?
Sex Annually Generally August
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex
A friend of mine was wearing one when her husband shot him
I got sacked as a volunteer at the Salvation Army kitchen on Christmas Day.
All I said was
‘Come on you lot, hurry up, some of us have homes to go to ‘
Marriage is grand
Divorce can be several hundred grand
I said to the wife
I’ve got a problem
She replied
No, we have a problem, we’re a couple, we are married, we are a unit and your problem is my problem as well
Anyway, she said, what’s the problem ?
I said
We’ve got your sister pregnant
Man went to the dentist to get a tooth out.
The young lady dentist asked him to take a pill.
It’s Viagra, she said
I need something to hold onto when I’m pulling your tooth out
The new Curate said to the Vicar
‘What’s the difference between an organist and a terrorist ?’
The vicar replied
‘You can negotiate with a terrorist ‘
My kids love the fish caught in the Irish Sea just off Sellafield
EVERYONE GETS A LEG
I’ve just had a strobe light put in the bedroom.
Now, when I’m making love to the wife it looks like she’s moving
They had me telling jokes in a local old folks’ home last week
Bless them, they didn’t understand a single gag
But they still p***ed themselves
Got fixed up with a blind date by my mate.
Have to admit, he did warn me that she was expecting a baby
I felt like a right prat waiting for her in the pub with a nappy on
In this world of high-tech gadgetry, I’ve noticed that many people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the use of capital (upper case) letters.
If you fall into this category, please take note of the following
statement :
‘Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse !’
Are you clear on that ?
Was having a sneaky p*ss in the deep end of Tynemouth swimming pool yesterday when the lifeguard spotted me !
He blew his whistle so hard that I nearly fell in
Be careful what you buy on Ebay :
A bloke ordered a Penis Enlarger for £35
They sent him a magnifying glass, with the instructions
‘Do not use in Sunlight ‘
What sort of wood
is the haft
of the shaft
of a Rabbi’s knife ?
JUNIPER
(Gag supplied by my mate Hymie Goldberg …. nice one Hymie)
A young Scouser went down to the fashionable Liverpool One shopping precinct and into John Lewis’s fashion department !
He asked one of the assistants if they sold ladies tights.
‘No problem’ she said
‘What size head are you ?’
A lady body builder was taking so many pills that she had started growing a male appendage
She explained to the doctor that she was on steroids
‘Anabolic ?’ he asked.
‘Not yet’ she said
(South American Limerick)
There was a young Gigolo named Bruno
Who said ‘Screwing is one thing I do know
While women are fine and sheep are divine
LLamas are numero uno’
A woman went into Boots the chemist.
She asked the male pharmacist if they sold Viagra and he replied in the affirmative.
She said
‘Can you get it over the counter ?’
He said
‘I can if I take three ‘
When I told them I was going to be a comedian, they laughed.
They’re not laughing now
A man was undressing at the window with the bedroom curtains open and the lights on.
His wife said
‘For God’s sake shut the curtains, the neighbours will see you with no clothes on ‘
‘What’s the problem ?’ he asked.
‘They’ll know I married you for your money ‘ she said
I’m on a Viagra and prune diet.
Quite candidly, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going
I love to pamper my wife after she has had a stressful day
I get the hot tap running
Swirl around the foam and bubbles
And time everything right
So when she walks through that door
She can crack straight on with the dishes
A lass from Byker went into her local Police Station.
She told the copper that she had had a pair of underpants stolen from her washing line.
She said that she wasn’t bothered about his underpants, but that she wanted the 12 clothes pegs back
A guy bumps into an old mate in Newcastle.
‘What are you doing for a living ?’ he asked.
‘I serve up fast food for a lot of smelly old men, junkies, dropouts, aloholics, unemployed, homeless, and the like’, he said.
‘Do you work in a Drop-in Centre ?’, asked his mate.
‘No’, he said,
‘I’m a pastry cook in Wetherspoons’
Mel, an old sailor, headed for the Fish Quay in North Shields, looking for a prostitute
He quickly picked one up and it was back to her council house
He was going as well as he could in bed for a bloke of his age and asked her how he was doing.
‘You’re doing about 3 knots’ she said.
‘What the hell is that supposed to mean ?’ said Mel.
‘You’re knot hard,
You’re knot in
And you’re knot getting your money back ‘
A Whitley Bay lass woke up next to the bloke who had chatted her up in a pub the night before
‘Anyway’, she said
‘You told me last night that you were hung like a donkey and could go all night – but you were last in the queue when todgers were handed out and you were finished in less than 30 seconds !’
‘I’m a builder’ he said
‘That was just an Estimate ‘
A gigolo went to the doctors to get some Viagra to improve his performance
The doctor said that the extra strong £30 pills would enable him to go for 12 hours non-stop.
He told the doctor that it was not worth £30 for an extra 5 minutes
Geordie went to Thailand with the lads and caught an extremely nasty infection over there.
In desperation, he went to see a Thai doctor.
Dropping his trousers in the surgery he asked the doctor if it would have to be amputated
‘No amputate’ said the doctor
‘In two week it drop off on its own ‘
A male stripper on Tyneside went to a dance studio to try and improve his act.
He asked the dance instructor if he could show him how to do the splits
‘Are you flexible ?’ asked the instructor
The stripper said
‘I can’t make Thursdays ‘
An Eskimo cut a hole in the ice and there was a loud voice
‘There’s no fish here !’
‘Is that God ?’ he asked
‘No, it’s the manager of the ice rink ‘
A man goes into Waterstone’s bookshop and up to the enquiry desk.
He said to the curvaceous lady on the counter :
‘Have you got that new book about men with really small willies ?’
‘It’s not in yet’ she replied.
‘That’s the one ‘ he said
It it rumoured that the Co-operative funeral service are to introduce a glass coffin.
It remains to be seen if it will catch on
A man wakes up in Rake Lane Hospital with the surgeon at his bedside.
‘I can’t feel my legs, doctor !’ he wailed.
‘I know’ said the doctor
‘I’ve cut your arms off ‘
A really rough slapper was trying to put the bite on a Veterinary student in a Newcastle
bar
He asked her if she had a pen
‘Nee problem Hinnie’ she said
‘Well get yourself back in it ‘ he said.
New anti-depressant pill for newly-divorced women :
Tricoccagen
A farmer was giving his wife one against a fence
He told her that she was even better than she was when he first met her over 40 years ago.
She said
‘I’m not surprised, the fence wasn’t electrified then ‘
A woman was looking at rings in Northern Goldsmiths.
As she leaned over the counter to look at a ring she unfortunately let go a fart.
She asked the assistant how much the ring cost.
‘Madam’ he said
‘If you fart just looking at it, you’ll sh*t yourself when I tell you the price ‘
A parrot eats all of his master’s Viagra tablets.
The man was furious and put the parrot into the freezer for half an hour to cool down.
When he opened the freezer door, the parrot was covered in sweat.
He asked the parrot why he was so hot.
‘You’ve obviously never tried prising the legs of a frozen chicken apart ‘ said the parrot.
A survey was done recently to see if local people wanted to go into the Euro.
Every single one of those surveyed said that they would prefer to stay in the Giro
Draught Bass is an athletic drink.
It makes you run in the morning
I hear that supermarkets allow the smell of freshly-baked bread to drift into the store to encourage shoppers to buy bread.
I was in the corner shop down the road last night and I think the old bloke on the counter was trying to sell me toilet rolls
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic, transvestite ?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
We were having tea with my Mother-in Law the other day, when out of the blue she said
‘I want to be cremated !’
‘Right then’ I said
‘Get your coat on ‘
Geordie went along to the Antiques Road Show in Newcastle.
He dragged a large heavy object into the studio for valuation.
‘This has been in me sister’s loft for over 60 years !’ said Geordie.
‘I hope your sister has it properly insured’ said the presenter.
‘Why eye man !’ said Geordie.
‘What is it anyway ?’ he asked.
‘IT’S HER HEADER TANK ‘
Geordie and his mate had come out of the Club and were waiting for a bus in Byker when a lorry went past carrying a load of turf.
‘That’s what I’ll do if I win the lottery’ said Geordie.
‘What’s that ?’ asked his pal.
‘Why man, send me lawn away to be cut ‘
A teacher took a crowd of young boys to Newcastle Races.
One of them came out of the toilet and said
‘Please Sir, it’s too high to reach ‘
So teacher went in and lifted them up one by one.
He lifted the last one up and said
‘My you’re a very well developed, what class are you in ?’
He said
‘I’m riding the favourite in the 3.30 ‘
Two Bulgarians, Paddy and Mick set off for the sperm bank in London.
Absolute disaster.
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus
Was in London last week and made love to a model.
Unfortunately, I got escorted out of Madame Tussauds
Geordie says to his wife
‘Darling, am I really the only man that you have ever slept with ?’
‘Absolutely !’ she replied
‘All the other men kept me awake all night making mad passionate love ‘
An old fella hit it off with a woman and it was back to her flat.
She said
‘Carry me upstairs and give me a good seeing to ‘
He said
‘I couldn’t possibly do both ‘
I was at the Munich Oktoberfest and finished up in bed with this lovely voluptuous Fraulein.
We were both mortal drunk and in the night she said
‘You have got ze biggest villy that I have ever had unt my hand !!’
I said
‘You’re pulling my leg ‘
Question :
Who was the only world champion boxer to soil himself in the ring ?
Answer :
Crufts champion 1982
Took a lass out for a French meal last night.
She had frogs legs and chicken breasts
But a lovely personality
Took the girlfriend out for a meal the other night.
I was trying to read the menu, but all she wanted to do was to play footsie under the table, which was really annoying me.
Anyway, I eventually ordered a steak.
She got toad in the hole
Two old women were standing in the queue for their pensions.
One says to the other
‘I had a burglar last night !’
‘How did he get in ?’ asked the other.
‘I always keep a wee jar of Vaseline by the bed !!’
(Chic Murray)
A Royal Navy deckhand goes to see the medical officer.
‘Doc, can you really catch Aids from a toilet seat ?’ he asked.
The doctor said
‘Only if you sit down before the other geezer gets up ‘
Anyone who thinks that laughter is the best medicine has obviously never suffered from Erectile Dysfunction
A teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
Little Geordie said :
‘Please Sir, my Dad is a nude pole dancer in a gay club.
And if the men pay him, he goes to bed with them ‘
The teacher took Geordie to one side at the end of the class and commiserated with him about his Dad’s occupation.
‘He doesn’t really do that, Sir, he’s an England footballer, but I was too embarrassed to tell the class ‘
Getting married a second time is like changing your cabin on the Titanic
How do you make a bull sweat ?
GIVE HIM A TIGHT JERSEY
Elainor Roosevelt said that she was delighted that they had named a rose after her, but that she was horrified when she read the description in the catalogue :
‘No good in beds, but great against the wall’ !
(June 2010)
Ventriloquist Ray Allen has sadly passed away
Lord Charles made no comment
Shakespeare retired
because he went
from Bard to worse
I wouldn’t say I was a slow developer, but my teacher is pleased to have someone in the class of her own age to talk to
After I told the wife that black underwear turned me on,
she didn’t wash my Y-fronts for a month
I drew a gun.
He drew a gun.
I drew another gun.
Soon we were surrounded by drawings of guns
(Chick Murray)
Geordie and his wife were at Newcastle Airport.
‘You’re very quiet, Geordie’ she said ‘Is there anything wrong ?’
‘I just wish we had our piano here !’ he replied.
‘Now, why on earth do you want the piano at the airport, Geordie ?’ she asked.
‘The Passports and tickets are on top of it ‘ he said.
My father was from Newcastle.
A more generous man you could not want to meet.
I have the gold watch which he sold me on his death bed
I paid by cheque
Post-dated, of course
I knocked and the young lady opened the door in her nightdress
I thought at the time,
what a funny place to have a door
There’s a new slimming course where they remove all your bones.
Not only do you weigh a lot less,
you look more relaxed
A wife said to her husband
‘I’m leaving you. You think more about football than you do of me ‘
‘You can’t leave me, Pet’ he said
‘We’ve been together for 25 seasons ‘
A Scotsman and a Jewish friend went out for a meal together in an inexpensive restaurant in Edinburgh.
They picked the cheapest items on the menu, but when the bill came the Scotsman immediately offered to pay
Headlines of the morning paper the following day read
‘Jewish ventriloquist found badly beaten in alley ‘
(Another gag from my mate Hymie Goldberg)
I met this man with a long pole at the Olympic Games.
‘Are you a pole vaulter ?’ I asked
‘No’ said the man
‘I’m German … and anyway, how do you know my name is Walter ?’
A weedy little cowboy, wearing specs and a big cowboy hat turned up at the Pearly Gates !
St. Peter told him that he would let him in if he had done someone a really good turn down on Earth.
‘Funny you should say that’ said the cowboy
‘I was up in the Dakota badlands when I came across a group of big, nasty, hairy bikers giving a girl a hard time.
I went up to the biggest, hardest, tattooed biker, slapped his face, pulled out his ear-rings and knocked over his Harley !
Then I turned to the rest of them and told them that if they didn’t leave the girl alone, they would get the same treatment !’
‘I’m very impressed’ said St. Peter. ‘When did this happen ?’
‘About 2 minutes ago ‘ said the cowboy
A big strapping prop forward went to the doctors with a nasty case of jockstrap rash.
The lady doctor told him that she would have to give him a thorough examination and said that
she always warned her patients undergoing this sort of examination that there is a strong possiblity of AROUSAL !
Half an hour later, he put his trousers back on and said that he hadn’t even felt a twinge, to which the doctor said
‘I didn’t say WHO was going to get aroused ‘
I got stopped by the Police last night.
He said ‘Blow into that bag !’
I said ‘What for ?’
He said ‘My chips are too hot ‘
A man went to the doctors and explained that he and his wife had been trying unsuccessfully to have a family for years.
‘Drop your trousers’ said the doctor ‘and I’ll take a look !’
As he was taking off his trousers, the man said
‘You know, doctor, I think the problem could be my technique. I don’t think I have the right knack.’
‘You haven’t got the left one either !’ said the doctor
Guy says to the waiter in a restaurant :
‘Waiter, I didn’t complain when I spotted the fly in my soup, but I’ve just broken a tooth on the zipper !’
A very elderly couple were on a blind date watching a movie.
During the film the man’s toupee slipped off in the dark and he was rummaging around on his lap looking for it.
Unfortunately his hands wandered up the lady’s dress and she shouted out ‘That’s it ! That’s it ‘
‘It can’t be’ he said
‘Mine’s parted on the left ‘
Geordie says to his mate in the Working Mens’ Club
‘I’m having fantastic sex with this lass from Byker and her twin !’
‘How can you tell them apart ?’ asked his friend.
‘Her brother’s got a moustache ‘ said Geordie
A farmer’s son says :
‘Dad, Dad, Mammy’s told me where I come from !!’
‘Where’s that, Lad ?’ asked his father.
‘From a sugar bowl, Daddy !!’ he said.
His father said
‘Aye, Lad, that’s about the size of it ‘
A solicitor from a large firm on Newcastle Quayside goes to Heaven !
St. Peter said to him
‘Your name is Jones and you are 487 years old, is that right ?’
‘No, your Honour’ he said
‘I died at the age of 57 !’
‘NOT ACCORDING TO YOUR TIMESHEET’ said St. Peter
Geordie went to the tailors to buy a new suit for his divorce party !
‘What side do you dress ?’ asked the tailor.
‘JUST LEAVE IT BAGGY AT THE KNEES ‘ he replied.
A vicar and his wife were in the kitchen about to have breakfast.
He was surprised when his normally frigid wife asked him if he could ‘do the business’ there and then !
He promptly obliged on the kitchen table at 60 Revs a minute !
‘What brought that about, dearest ?’ asked the vicar.
‘The egg timer’s broken, darling ‘ she replied.
Two very old men were having a chat in the old folks’ home.
One of them said
‘You know, I feel like a new baby
I’ve got no hair,
No teeth
And I’ve just filled my nappy
Two men were playing golf at Whitley Bay, but they were being slowed down by a couple of lady golfers ahead of them.
One of the guys said that he would go ahead and ask them if they could go through, but he hurried back saying that he couldn’t possibly talk to them as one was his wife and the other his mistress
So the other guy went to have a word with them
But he came back, saying
‘What a coincidence ‘
A faith healer was on stage with 2 men from the audience.
One was in a wheelchair and the other had a very bad speech impediment.
He told them to go behind the curtains while he said a few prayers.
The he said ‘Mr. Brown, get out of your wheelchair and come through the curtains !’
There was a God almighty crash behind the curtains, then the ventriloquist in a state of shock said
‘Mr. Smith, can you come and say a few words to the audience ?
A very nervous individual came through the curtains and said ‘He’s f-f-f-f-f-f-fallen d-d-d-d-d-down ‘
A ventriloquist set up a website : wubbbleyou wubbleyou wubbleyou.com !!
A bloke was telling his mate in that he had been with his wife to see a Faith Healer.
‘He was absolutely crap’ said the man.
‘In fact’ he said
‘He was so bad that a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out after 10 minutes ‘
A scruffy little lad got separated from his mother in Fenwick’s department store in Newcastle.
He told a shop assistant that he had lost his Mum.
‘What’s she like ?’ asked the girl.
‘Big dicks and Prosecco’ he said.
A man went into a library wearing a dirty raincoat.
He said to the librarian : ‘Have you got a book on the homosexual habits of dwarfs ?’
‘How low can you get !’ replied the librarian in disgust.
‘That’s the one !’ he said
A painter and decorator was making mad passionate love to one of his customers in the bedroom of her house.
They got so carried away that they slid off the bed onto the floor but he never missed a stroke and eventually gave her a matt finish
A guy goes to see a Marriage Guidance Councillor with chronic depression.
He was given clear guidance by the Councillor to cheer him up :
‘PLAY YOUR WEDDING VIDEO BACKWARDS ! :
Watch yourself take off the ring,
walk back down the isle,
get back into the car and get the hell out of there’
A Scotsman finished up in bed with a slapper on a weekend in Whitley Bay.
‘Are you a virgin ?’ he asked her.
‘Of course I am’ she replied …
‘And anyway, why do all you men always ask the same question ?’
Geordie said to his mate :
‘The wife’s having a bairn in Rake Lane Hospital today !’
His pal said : ‘Is she dilated ?’
‘Wey man’ said Geordie ‘We’re both of us over the moon ‘
Geordie put £30 on a horse at twenty to one.
It came in at five o’clock
A VERY SHORT FAIRY STORY :
Once upon a time there was a handsome young prince who met a beautiful princess and asked her to marry him.
She said NO and they lived happily ever after
A man was sitting in the electric chair at Alcatraz.
The Governor said : ‘Is there anything I can do for you before it’s all over ?’
‘Just one little thing’ said the convict
‘Could your possibly hold my hand’
What’s the difference between a gigolo and a solicitor ?
A gigolo can only screw one client at a time
A farmer heard a light tapping noise on his door.
On the doorstep was a lovely large snail.
He promptly picked it up and threw it as hard as he could into the field.
Two years later, there was another tapping on the door and there was the snail again.
It looked up at the farmer and said :
What was that all about ?
Wales !
What a fantastic country.
You can get a wonderful wool sweater,
A delicious hotpot,
And lots of rumpy-pumpy.
ALL FROM THE SAME ANIMAL
A young man went to see his female GP to ask if he could have a willy extension on the National Health Service.
‘There nothing wrong with you’ said the doctor.
‘You only need 3 inches ! ….. an inch going in,
an inch going out
and and inch going in and out’
A kid asked his mother for a Macdonalds burger.
She said she would buy him one if he could spell Macdonalds.
‘Bollocks’ he said
‘I’ll have a CKF instead ‘
The 80 year old owner and skipper of a big luxury yacht in St. Tropez had a 20 year old Thai girlfriend.
One of his friends asked him how he was coping with the relationship at his age.
‘Quite candidly, old boy, I can’t keep my hands off her ……. so I think I’ll change the crew ‘
We’ve stopped using fly killer, as it is patently cruel.
We now spray them with starch and they just glide out of the window
A couple of Geordies went to the doctor, hoping to convince him that they were suffering from industrial deafness so that they could get a big state handout
The first went into the surgery, telling the doctor that he had worked in the shipyard and was stone deaf.
The doctor said ‘Could you shut the door ?’
As Geordie turned towards the door, the doctor said ‘You can keep walking in that direction, Geordie, there’s nothing wrong with your ears !’
He told his mate in the waiting room that he had been caught out and for his mate not to shut the door.
So his pal went in, saying ‘I’ve got terrible trouble with me lugs, Doc, I can’t hear a thing and think I should get a big payout !’
The doctor said ‘Could you possible shut the door ?’
‘You can shut the bugger yourself ‘ he replied.
Gordon Brown said to his Chancellor, Alistaire Darling
‘Describe the shape of the British economy in one word, Alistaire’.
‘Good’, he replied.
‘How would you describe it is two words ?’ asked Gordon.
‘NOT GOOD’ said his sidekick.
A man was cleaning his glass eye when he swallowed it by mistake.
He was rushed into Casualty and the doctor said, ‘Strip off and bend down and I’ll see what is going
on !’
‘I can’t see a thing’ said the doctor.
‘But I can see you !’ said his patient
The next day, the same man got on a double-decker bus in Newcastle.
He promptly took out his glass eye and through it up the stairs, catching it on its return.
‘NO SEATS UPSTAIRS ‘ he said to his wife
(Alternative glass eye joke)
A man went to his doctor, having swallowed his glass eye.
The doctor said ‘Drop your trousers and bend down in front of me !!’
‘You’ve got to be joking !’ said the patient.
The doctor said ‘You’ve got to trust me, you’ve got to trust me !’
So the man dropped his pants for the doctor and the eye was staring him in the face !
‘I told you’ said the doctor ‘You’ve got to trust me ‘
A man went into a butcher’s shop.
‘Have you got a sheep’s head ?’ he asked.
‘No’ said the butcher
‘It’s just the way I comb my hair !!’
‘Do you sell bacon ?’ asked the customer.
‘Lean back’ said the butcher
so the man leaned over backwards, looking up at the ceiling
‘I bet you can’t reach the meat on those hooks up there !’ said the man
‘How do you work that out ?’ said the butcher.
‘The steaks are too high !’ said the man.
‘A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it’
(Bob Hope. 1903 – 2003. English born comedian)
TRUE STORY : Gateshead councillors were discussing how to improve Saltwell Park.
One of the councillors suggested that they put a gondola in the lake as a feature.
Another councillor said ‘Why don’t we buy two, then we can breed off them ?’
ANOTHER TRUE STORY FROM A LOCAL COUNCIL MEETING :
A North Tyneside councillor is reported to have said at a meeting, and I quote :
‘There have been certain allegations made at this meeting and I would like to say that I am not happy with what some of the alligators have been saying’
A man went to North Shields Job Centre looking for work as a tree surgeon.
He was asked if he had any previous experience and said he had worked in the Sahara.
‘The Sahara Desert ?’ asked the assistant.
‘Is that what they are calling it now ? replied the man
Two very elderly gentlemen were having a beer together in the Whitley Bay Comrades’ Club.
They were reminiscing and one said to the other :
‘Can you remember the first time you made love to a woman ?’
His friend scratched his head and said :
‘To be honest …… I can’t remember the last time’
A ventriloquist went to the job centre looking for work.
The only opening on offer was for a spiritualist working on Brighton Pier.
Shortly after he started, a woman walked in saying that she had lost her husband a year ago and asking how much he charged.
‘Well’ said the ventriloquist
‘For a tenner I can speak to your old man, for twenty quid he will speak back and for fifty quid he’ll talk to you while drinking a glass of water’
Judge says to Geordie
‘You’re up in front of me again for drinking !’
‘Fine’ says Geordie
‘Let’s get started’
A girl gets married to an avid golfer and on the first night she says to him
‘Pet, I have a confession : I’m a hooker !!’
‘That’s okay love’ he said
‘Just turn your hands on the grip to the right ‘
Geordie said to his mate
‘I used to think I was fantastic in bed, then I found out that the girlfriend has asthma’
A woman went into the Green Market in Newcastle to buy some fruit and veg.
‘How much are your tomatoes ?’ she asked the man.
’50p each’ he replied.
‘You know where you can stick them ‘ she said
‘I can’t’ replied the greengrocer
I’ve got a £2 cucumber in there already ‘
Geordie had Athlete’s Foot and the chiropodist advised him to put a clean pair of socks on every day.
After a week, he couldn’t get his shoes on
A ventriloquist is on stage and telling joke after joke about blondes when a fat blonde woman in the audience shouts out :
‘I’m sick of those blonde stories ….. it’s just not true that blondes are thick !!’
The ventriloquist began to apologise, when the woman shouted back
‘You keep out of it, I’m talking to that cheeky little git on your knee’
If at first you don’t succeed …… skydiving is not for you
A little lad comes home from school in Byker.
‘Dad’ he said
‘I ran behind the school bus and saved 50p’
His father clipped him around the ear ….
‘You should have run behind a taxi and saved £10’