A man went to North Shields Job Centre looking for work.
‘We’ve only got one vacancy’ said the girl ‘and it probably won’t interest you.
It’s at a ladies’ beauty salon in Shields and is for someone to shave women’s bikini lines all day long !’
‘I’m extremely interested’ said the man, ‘Where do I go for the interview ?’
‘You’ll have to go down to York’ said the advisor.
‘I thought you said that the job was in North Shields ?!’ protested the man.
‘It is’ said the assistant …….’York is where the end of the queue is !!!’
Camilla went to see a specialist in Harley Street.
She said ‘I’ve got the most frightful problem, doctor ……. every time that I’m extremely naughty in bed with Charles, I get horrendous heartburn the next morning !’
‘Have you tried sucking Andrews ?’ said the doctor
Geordie said to his mate :
‘Don’t think much of those roll-on deodorants !
The instructions said : ‘Remove top and push up bottom’
I was in hospital for 3 weeks ‘
A Scotsman said to his mate :
‘My Mother-in-Law is not a bad sort really and a hard worker.
She still has that summer job – swimming up and down Loch Ness ‘
He said : ‘The wife accused me of being effeminate …… I said :
I suppose I am, compared to your mother ‘
As Viagra is now out of licence, it is possible to buy the much cheaper generic version.
Just ask your doctor for ‘MYCOXAFLOPPIN’
Two Geordies were staggering down Grainger Street, Newcastle in the early hours of the morning when a masked mugger confronted them.
One of the drunks turned to his mate and thrust a bundle of ten pound notes into his hand.
‘That’s that hundred quid I owe you, Geordie ‘
A Cumbrian farmer went to Bangkok to have a sexy holiday.
He picked up a hooker on the first night and took her back to the Hotel Oriental where he was staying.
He woke up next to her the following morning and said :
‘Eh lass, I hevn’t understood a word you’ve said
but I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your crack’
A Phillipino girl working in a hotel in the Lake District phoned her mother in Manilla.
I can’t believe it, said the girl, I’ve only been here six months and I can speak Polish already’
A young man went to the annual Hoppings funfair on Newcastle’s Town Moor.
There was a Scotsman doing a very rude stunt in one of the tents.
He lifted up his kilt and smashed half a dozen walnuts on a table in front of him with his willie, to thunderous applause from the crowd.
Many years later, the man was at the Hoppings and the Scotman’s tent was still in the same place.
He went inside to see the elderly Scotsman lift up his kilt and smash up half a dozen coconuts !
He went up to him after the performance and asked him why he was now using coconuts.
‘Ach laddie !’ he said
‘Me eyesight is so bad, ah canna see the walnuts ‘
Stannah have launched a new high-speed chair lift.
It gets you up the stairs so fast, you don’t have time to forget what you were going upstairs for !
Two couples went out on the drink together on a Friday night and got absolutely mortal.
They staggered back to the council house where one of the couples lived and were so drunk that the men got in bed together in one room and the women in another bedroom.
In the middle of the night, one of the men woke his mate up and said :
‘I’m going into the girls room to give wor lass one ……. I’ve got the biggest and hardest stonker on that I’ve had in my life !’
‘You’d better take me with you !’ said his mate ……’ you’re holding my dick ‘
A man was sat reading his newspaper on a train.
Opposite him was a Catholic priest.
‘I’m just reading an article here, Father …….. tell me, what’s GOUT ?’ asked the man.
‘Gout’ said the priest ‘ is usually first manifested by a painfull swelling of the big toe, and is caused by drinking far too much and in general leading a thoroughty debauched lifestyle’.
‘Why do you ask, my son ?’ said the priest.
‘It says here that the Pope’s got it’
A strapping young lad of sixteen started work as a coalman for his Dad in Byker..
Their first call with the horse and cart was the fifth floor of a block of Council flats on Scotswood Road.
His Dad said that this was good practice for him and the lad proceeded to hump his load up the concrete staircase !
But it was too much for him and he collapsed after the 3rd floor, only to find out that he had been carrying the horse by its ears
A man moved into a fancy ground floor apartment in Newcastle’s presigious Montague Court development and was standing on his patio when a glass eye dropped onto his sunlounger from the the penthouse apartment six floors up !
He took the lift up to the top floor and a beautiful blond with one eye answered the door !
She was incredibly grateful that he had found her lost eye and invited him in for drinks.
They had a great time together and eventually finished up in the bedroom.
‘I hope you don’t invite all of your male visitors to come to bed’ said the man.
‘Oh, no’ she replied …… ‘JUST THE ONES THAT CATCH MY EYE ‘
A man who had lost his todger in an industrial accident went to see a transplant surgeon in Harley Street.
After inspecting him carefully the doctor told him that the best he could do was to give him one made of wood !!
‘Oh no, doctor’ said the distraught man ……. ‘Not a hickory dickory, Doc ?’
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There has been a serious fire at President George Bush’s ranch ….
The entire library was destroyed, including both the books …..
And he hadn’t finished colouring one of them in
A British famly were on holiday, driving through the outback near Kalgoorlie in Australia.
The parents were horrified to see men having it off with kangaroos near the roadside !
The father said that he was going to drive into town and complain to the sheriff.
On reaching the sheriff’s office, there was a man with one leg playing with himself near to the entrance !
The father stormed into the sheriff’s office and told him that it was disgraceful that his children had to witness men with kangaroos in what is supposed to be a civilised country ……. and furthermore he said ‘there’s a man outside with one leg playing with himself’.
‘Well’ said the sheriff …… ‘you can’t expect a man with one leg to be able to catch a Kangaroo, now can you ?’
A couple man had only been married a week when the wife started giving her husband a hard time !
‘Get that garden sorted out !’ she shouted …… ‘Am I a gardener ?’ he said.
‘And sort out that rotten fence !’ she said ……. ‘Am I a joiner ?’ he replied.
‘And what about those cracks in the drive !’ she screamed …… ‘Am I a builder ?’ he said.
Anyway …. he came home from work that night to find all the jobs done.
‘I got that good looking young lad from next door to do all the jobs’ she told him.
‘What did he charge ?’ asked her husband.
‘He said I could either bake him a cake or go to bed with him !’
‘What sort of cake did you bake ?’ he asked her …….. ‘AM I A BAKER ?’ she replied
In the mid-sixties a young lad went into City Stylish menswear shop in Newcastle to buy a pair of trousers.
‘I want them so tight’ he said to the assistant ‘that the girls can tell my sex !’.
‘I’ll sell you a pair so tight that they can tell your religion ‘ he replied.
A man went into a tailor in Newcastle as there was a big sign in the window saying :
“2 PIECE SUITS £80, 3 PIECE SUITS £90”
‘Could you measure me up for a 2 piece suit please ?’
‘Don’t you want any trousers ?’ said the tailor
A lone yachtsman was stranded alone on a desert island for over 3 years until he was rescued by a Royal Navy frigate.
Enjoying a can of beer with the lads in the ship’s mess, they were grilling him about his experiences on the island.
They asked him about food and water supply and eventually got on to the inevitable subject of his sex life !
‘I’ve got to admit’ he said ‘that I fell below my usual standards, as there were only ostriches on the island’.
‘It was when they got their heads down in the sand, that I managed to come up behind them !’.
‘What were they like ?’ asked the Captain.
‘Fantastic’ he said, ‘ for about the first 3 miles ‘
A guy from Tynemouth went on a sponsored parachute jump and was relating the experience to his mates in the bar the next night.
‘It was terrifying’ he said.
‘The plane went up to over 20,000 ft. …….. I looked down out of the open door and there was no way that I was going to jump out !’
‘But’ he said, ‘the instructor was right behind me and dropped his trousers …… it was like a dog’s hind leg …….. and he said that if I didn’t jump he would stick it right up my jacksie !!’
‘Did you jump ?’ asked one of the lads.
‘Only when he first put the end in’ he replied.
Three guys went skiing together in the French Alps.
At the end of an exhausting day, they huddled together in their tent and went to sleep.
In the morning, one of the guys on the outside said : ‘I dreamed that someone was playing with me all night !’
The other guy on the outside said : ‘I had a similar dream, it was weird !’.
The guy in the middle said : ‘I was dreaming that I was cross-country skiiing all night ‘
A young couple went to see the Vicar
The wife said : ‘We’ve just had a baby boy, Vicar, and have come to ask your advice on what to call him’.
‘We’re both big Orson Wells fans’ explained the husband …..’So do you think it would be okay if we were to call him Orson ?’
‘I really do think’ said the Vicar ‘that you should give the matter very careful thought, Mr. & Mrs. Carte’ !!!
A dirty old man was lying in bed with his new young Thai bride whom he had just brought back to sunny Byker !
She was stroking his Todger and gazing wistfully at the bedroom ceiling in their scruffy council house.
‘You worship that thing, don’t you ?’ he said.
‘Not really’ she replied ‘but it reminds me of what mine used to be like !!!’
A man had drunk 15 pints of beer in a pub and fell to the floor of the bar. He crawled across the pub floor, out the door and crawled over the road to his house. He struggled to get his key in the lock then dragged himself up the stairs and into bed. His wife woke him up the next morning, telling him that he must have been mortal the night before ! How’s that ? he asked. ‘YOU LEFT YOUR WHEELCHAIR IN THE PUB ‘ she retorted
What’s the difference between SENSUALITY and PERVERSION ? Sensuality is a feather …… whilst PERVERSION IS THE WHOLE CHICKEN
What do you call people who practice the RHYTHM METHOD ? …….. PARENTS
A tramp was absolutely starving of hunger on Christmas Day. He went into a a field and scooped up some old horse muck in his hands, then went to the Squire’s Manor House and knocked on the door …… ‘This is my Christmas dinner, your worship’ he said to the Squire …. ‘Have you got any salt and pepper ?’ ‘Good God, man’ said the Squire ‘This is Christmas day, I can’t have you eating that ….. get yourself into the stables and GET A HOT ONE ‘
A young lass was walking her dog in the park when she came across an elderly man who was crying his eyes out on a park bench.
She sat down beside him and tried to console him
‘What’s your problem ?’ she asked
‘I got married a fortnight ago to a 20 year old Thai girl’ he sobbed
‘I’m getting sex every night and she is a fantastic cook !’
‘Then why are you so unhappy ?’ asked the girl
‘The problem is’ he said ‘I CAN’T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE ‘
Sunderland FC have appointed a new spiritual adviser in the form of a local priest …. FATHER DOON
John Holmes, the late American porn star, was on his Honeymoon with his first wife, who was a virgin until she got married.
They turned the lights out in the bedroom on the first night and a few minutes later he said to his wife : ‘Is it in yet ??’
‘I’m not sure’ she replied
‘TRY WALKING TOWARDS ME ‘ he said
The owner of a sleezy Soho nightclub was on holiday in Morocco, when he came across one of the locals who was married with 15 wives ! They got talking and the Cockney suggested that as the man was obviously a superstud that he could perform in a live sex show at his nightclub.
On his first night, the Arab was performing to a packed house with fifteen girls lined up.
However, when he got to number 14 he could not manage another and there was a near riot in the club, with glasses and tables being hurled about.
The manager got on the microphone and told his audience that he could not understand what had happened, as an hour before the Moroccan had been fantastic in rehearsals
A lass was telling her friend that she had missed her connecting flight at Heathrow Airport in London ….. she said ‘There was a sign on the escalator on the Underground saying DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ….. and it took me 3 hours to catch one ‘
The captain said to the new cabin boy :
‘This ship’s got wheels !’
‘Just bend over and look out of the port hole and you’ll see them !’
The lad stuck his head out of the porthole but couldn’t see anything …
‘What wh EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ls ?’ he screeched
Jim was a fantastic guy.
He was kind, understanding and generous to a fault.
He was physically magnificent and an amazing lover.
He was academically brilliant and could hold a conversation with the best of them.
He was great with the kids and was never worse for wear with the drink.
He was better than Gordon Ramsey in the kitchen, but he never spoke a foul word.
I never actually met Jim.
I MARRIED HIS EX-WIFE
A female client phoned up the solicitors Murphy, Murphy and Murphy ….
‘Can I speak to Mr. Murphy ?’ she asked the man on the phone.
‘I’m sorry’ he said, ‘he’s in court’.
‘Well can I speak to Mr. Murphy ?’ she said
‘He’s with a client’, was the reply.
‘Can I speak to Mr. Murphy, then ? she begged …
‘Speaking !!’ he replied
A soldier went for his annual medical.
The doctor looked at him very seriously and said :
‘You are going to have to stop masturbating, young man !’
‘Why’s that ?’ said the Private.
‘Because, I’m still examining you’ said the doc
An elderly lady went into a sex shop.
She was shaking uncontrollably.
She asked the assistant if they sold Big Mamba Vibrators.
‘Yes Madam’ he replied, ‘They’re the biggest ones we do !’.
‘Could you possibly help me ?’ she said ……
‘How do you switch them off ?’
A Devon farmer has achieved a world first by managing to cultivate a field full of dildos
Unfortunately he is having terrible problems with squatters
A student phoned his landlord up and said :
‘This flat’s a disgrace, there are rats the size of dogs ‘
The landlord agreed to come around and see for himself and the student proceeded to place a loaf of bread on the floor in the middle of the living room and told the landlord to keep quiet and to watch …….
A trout came out of a hole in the skirting, took a bite out of the loaf and went back in again
‘What the hell was that ?’ asked the landlord.
‘I’m not bothered about the rising damp’ said the student ‘just get rid of those rats ‘
A young lad pleaded with his Dad to buy him a television for his bedroom.
‘You’re not getting one’ his father said, ‘I don’t want you watching all that filth on the television ‘
Eventually, his parents bought him a tele and the following morning over breakfast he said to his Dad
‘I was watching the TV all night, Dad …….. what’s ‘love juice’
‘I knew I shouldn’t have let you have a television, his father said … and went on to tell him all about the birds and the bees in graphic detail
‘Anyway’, his Dad asked the lad, ‘what dirty film were you watching ‘
‘I was watching the tennis’
A woman found out that her husband had been having an affair with his favourite female friend
She confronted him saying that she wanted a divorce.
Then she had words with his friend :
‘You’ve been a very very naughty dog
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A tramp went into Northern Goldsmiths in Newcastle.
He proceeded to drop his filthy trousers and start scratching his bottom !
‘Get out ….. you dirty old man’ screamed one of the girls.
‘I’m doing nothing wrong, hinnie’ said the tramp.
‘You’ve got a big sign in the window which says HIGH CLASS JEWELLERS, COME INSIDE AND PICK YOUR RING AT YOUR LEISURE ‘
Geordie said to his mate in the club
‘Wor lass has a fantastic figure ……..it’s just that it’s covered with fat !!’
A man went into Tom Swan’s builder’s merchants in North Shields.
‘I want about 60,000 bricks !’ he said to the man on the counter.
‘What are you building ?’ asked the assistant.
‘A barbeque’ replied the customer.
‘You don’t need anything like that amount’ said the assistant.
‘That’s where you’re wrong’ said the man
‘I live on the 17th floor ‘