Oldest gags

What’s hairy on the outside

Wet on the inside

Starts with a C ends with a T

and has the letters N and U in it ?

A COCONUT !!

 


Geordie said to his mate

 

‘The wife’s gone off with the man next door.

I don’t half miss him !’

 


 

 

Geordie got fixed up with a construction job in the Tunisian desert.

After a few weeks, he asked one of the lads what they did for sex.

‘No problem mate’ he said …’the camels are out the back’.

Geordie was most unhappy at the prospect of a camel, but after a few weeks, in desperation, he went round the back with a pair of stepladders and started making love to a camel.

The boss caught him at it … shouting ‘What the hell are you up to Geordie, you dirty bugger?’

‘I was told that the lads use the camels for sex’ said Geordie.

‘You stupid bugger, Geordie’ he shouted ‘THEY USE THE CAMELS FOR RIDING INTO TOWN TO MEET THE GIRLS !!’

 


 

Geordie bought a bar in Byker and got an architect on site to give him a quote for refurbishment.

‘What style of interior design had you in mind ?’ asked the architect.

‘Minimalist’ said Geordie.

‘I’m afraid, Sir, that your budget won’t stretch to that !’ said the architect !!

 


 

A late middle-aged lady from Tyneside went to Barbados with the girls.

She finished up in bed on the first night with a strapping young local lad.

She passionately ran her fingers through his hair and whispered :

‘Although my hair is like WINTER, my heart is like SUMMER !’

‘Honey’ he replied, ‘IF YOU DON”T PUT SOME SPRING IN YOUR ARSE, WE’LL BE HERE TILL AUTUMN !!’

(Gag suppied by Mr. Hallum Gill of St. Michael’s, Barbados WI … nice one Hallum !)

 


 

The England soccer coach got into bed with Ulrika for the first time …

‘I thought you said you were a natural blonde ?’ said Sven.

‘Listen !’ said the Swedish Bicycle ..

‘You know when you are putting a nail in and you hit your thumb and it turns black ?

‘Of course’ said Sven

‘WELL, THIS HAS HAD SOME HAMMER !! said she !

 


 

What’s the difference between a TURNIP and a SWEDE ??

…….. YOU CAN GET YOUR LEG OVER WITH A SWEDE !!!

 


 

Geordie’s wife went to buy a carpet in a large department store.

As she was leaving, one of the lady assistants asked her if everything was okay.

‘I got fixed up with a carpet, hinnie’, she replied. ‘But where can I get felt ?’

‘No problem; said the assistant, ‘WE ALL GET FELT IN THE MANAGER’S OFFICE !!’

 


 

Three Geordies were lined up at the Golden Gates in Heaven

St. Peter said to them : ‘You see all of those ducks between here and the next gates … If you stand on any of the ducks, you will finish up with an ugly woman for eternity !’

The first man set off, but … QUACK QUACK … he stood on a duck’s foot, and a horrible old woman with a hunch back was waiting for him !

The second guy was nearly up the hill, when… QUACK QUACK he stood on a duck’s beak … and a fat ugly woman with no teeth was waiting with arms

outstretched !!

The third man picked his way carefully through the ducks … and was met at the other end by a beautiful shapely blonde !

‘What did you do to deserve me ?’ said Geordie

‘I STOOD ON A DUCK !’ she retorted !!

 


 

A young woman patient was careering around the corridors of a psychiatric hospital in her wheelchair at breakneck speed when her passage was blocked by another patient …

‘STOP’ he said, with his hand raised like a policeman. ‘DRIVING LICENCE PLEASE !’.

She handed him a Kit Kat bar from her tunic, and off she sped !

After another full circuit of the hospital he stopped her again …’STOP’ he said …’M.O.T PLEASE !’

She handed him a Kleenex tissue, and took off again …

Third time round he was waiting for her with his trousers around his ankles and in a state of acute arousal !

She screeched to a halt … saying … ‘NOT THAT BREATHALISER THING AGAIN !!’

 


 

Geordie and his mate were having of Newcastle Broon in the Working Mens’ Club.

Geordie’s brand new mobile phone rang … it was his wife.

‘I can’t understand it !’ said Geordie.

‘HOW DID SHE KNOW I WAS HERE !!!’

 


 

Geordie was digging a hole in his garden when his next door neighbour peered over the fence.

‘What are you digging a hole for Geordie ?’ said his nieighbour.

‘I’m digging a grave for my goldfish’ said Geordie.

‘It’s a bit on the big side for a goldfish’ said his neighbour.

‘I know’ said Geordie …’IT’S INSIDE YOUR CAT !!’

 


 

A big guy and a little bloke were having a punch-up outside of St. James’ Park after the match.

The little fella was getting the worst of it … so the big man stopped punching him.

‘Haven’t you had enough ?’ said the big guy.

‘I don’t know !’ said the little man … ‘IT’S MY FIRST FIGHT !!’

 


 

Geordie’s wife hit him over the head with a frying pan.

‘What did you do that for, Hinnie ?’ he said.

‘I only found another woman’s name in your trouser pocket !’ she retorted. ‘A lass called Anne-Marie !’

‘That’s a bloody horse woman’ said Geordie, ‘It ran in the 3.30 at Haydock today !’

The following day Geordie’s wife hit him with a bigger frying pan.

‘What was that for ?’ yelled Geordie.

‘YOUR HORSE IS ON THE PHONE !!’ sreamed his missus.

 

 


 

Geordie went to see the psychiatrist.

He stripped off for the medical to reveal his clingfilm underpants !

The doctor said ‘I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOU’RE NUTS !!

 


 

Two cannibals were eating a clown !

One said to the other : ‘DOES THIS TASTE FUNNY TO YOU ?!!’

 


 

Geordie always sent his grannie a photo of himself when away on holiday.

He did not think the photo of himself on the nudist beach was appropriate … so he cut off the bottom half of himself !

Unfortunately, he posted the wrong half !

When he got back to Byker he phoned his grandmother up.

‘Did you get that photo of me on holiday, Gran ?’

‘I certainly did George, but I wasn’t very impressed !’

‘What’s the problem, like ?’ said Geordie.

‘Well’, she said. ‘SINCE YOU HAD YOUR HAIR PERMED, IT MAKES YOUR NOSE LOOK HUGE !!!’

 


 

Three Geordie rugby players and their new wives went to Benidorm together for a joint honeymoon.

The lads got to talking about their sexual prowess in the bar together and decided to indicate their achievement in bed by the number of slices of toast that they ordered at breakfast the next day.

So at breakfast, the first of them proudly ordered two slices of toast.

The second asked for three.

The third lad, beaming, asked for TWELVE slices … but then called the waitress back, saying

‘You’d better make three of them BROWN, hinnie !’

 


 

An old soldier walked into a pub on Scotswood Road with just his right hand sticking out of his blazer

‘What happened to you ?’ asked the barman

‘I WAS SEIZED BY THE MAU MAU !!’ said the old soldier.

‘Have a drink on me ‘ said the baman.

A second old soldier came in with just his left hand sticking out of his blazer.

‘Where did you get that ?’ asked the barman.

‘ I WAS SHOT IN THE DORDOGNES !!’ said the old soldier.

A third old soldier came in with no hands at all sticking out of his blazer.

‘Where did you get that ?’ asked the barman.

‘BURTONS !’ he said. ‘AND YOU SHOULD SEE THE TROUSERS !!’

 


 

Geordie was taken into hospital at Benidorm feeling very depressed.

The Spanish doctor gave him a full medical.

‘My advice, Sir’, said the doctor, ‘Is to get a black bin liner, and put some rotten vegetables in the bottom of it. Then go out into the street with a shovel and put some dog dirt in as well. Then for the next two or three days, get your head in the bag for an hour or so morning and night and take deep breaths !!’

Geordie returned to the hospital at the end of the week feeling like a new man.

‘What was wrong with me ?’ Geordie asked the doctor.

‘The problem was’, said the doctor, ‘YOU WERE HOMESICK !!’

 


 

A beautiful young lady married a dirty old man.

On the night of the honeymoon she woke him up in the early hours with tears streaming down her cheeks.

‘Darling, I’ve got a confession … I’ve slept with another man !’

‘So have I’ , he said ….’TURN OVER !!!’

 


 

An eskimo said to his mate

‘Your name is written in yellow writing in the snow behind the igloo !!’

‘So what !’ said his mate.

‘IT’S MY WIFE’S HANDWRITING !!!’

 


 

Hear about the Russian prostitute …..ONYABACKYABITCH !!!

 


 

Three lasses were talking about men with tattoos in a pub in Byker.

The first one said

‘I like a man with a dragon on his chest’

The second said that she liked a man with a dragon on his back

And the third lass took a swig out of her bottle of Newcastle Broon and said

‘I LIKE A MAN WITH ONE DRAGON ON THE GROUND’ !!

 


 

Geordie went into a clock repairers on Westgate Road, Newcastle

He went up to the counter where a bonny lass was serving and proceeded to drop his trousers and whack it out on the counter.

‘I’m sorry Sir’ she said, ‘This is a CLOCK shop !!’

‘That’s all right’ said Geordie …’PUT TWO HANDS ON THAT !!’

 


 

Geordie went to the Doctors with a sore bottom and the Doctor suggested that he get his wife to insert a suppository every night !

Geordie said to his Missus : ‘It’s easy Hinnie … just do what the Doctor did and put your right hand on my right shoulder …

No hang on a minute … put your left hand on my left shoulder …. no hang on …

HE HAD BOTH OF HIS HANDS ON BOTH OF MY SHOULDERS !!’

 


 

Geordie started work as a clerk in the Council offices at Byker.

On his first day the young lady on the desk next to his said

‘Excuse me George, could I possibly use your Dictaphone ?’

‘Bugger off !’ said Geordie, ‘YOU CAN USE YOUR FINGER LIKE EVERYONE ELSE !!’

 


 

Geordie went to the doctor with a bowel problem

‘Do you pass a motion regularly, Geordie ?’ asked the doctor

‘Nee problem Doc, as regular as clockwork – about 7 o’clock every morning’.

‘Well what’s your problem then ? asked the doctor.

‘I DIVN’T WAKE UP UNTIL 8 O’CLOCK !!’ said Geordie.

 


 

Two old ladies met on the promenade at Whitley Bay.

‘Ee, yer bugger’, said one of them

‘We went to school together !’

‘Did you ever start a family ?’ said the other

‘Start a family … I had seventeen bairns !!’

‘Your husband deserves a knighthood !’ said her old schoolfriend.

‘A KNIGHTHOOD … HE’S GOT ONE BUT HE WON’T WEAR IT !!!’ she retorted.

 


 

Geordie was stood next to his mate in the urinal.

‘I wish I was hung like a pit donkey !’ said Geordie ….. ‘INSTEAD OF HAVING THIS GREAT BIG THING !!!’

 


 

A cannibal went off to Europe for a couple of weeks vacation on a package tour.

When his mate met him at the airport in Africa after his holiday, he was wheeled off the plane with no legs !

‘I’m going to sue the holiday company through Claims Direct …’ he spluttered .

‘THEY DIDN’T TELL ME IT WAS SELF-CATERING !!!’

 


 

Geordie went to see an attractive lady chiropodist.

She was sat at her desk wearing a white coat and looking very professional.

Geordie dropped his trousers and whacked it out on the desk.

She looked up in horror !

‘That’s not a foot !’ she blurted.

‘No’ said Geordie, ‘BUT IT’S A GOOD TWELVE INCHES !!’

 


 

Elvis Presley is making a comeback … only 2 foot to go !!

 


 

Geordie’s wife went to see a male stripper called LONG DONG SILVER with the girls.

She came back at midnight mortal drunk.

‘I’ve seen nowt like it’ she said.

‘When he dropped his strides, it was just hanging there – like the arm of a pink sweater !!

And when he pirouetted, I was gobsmacked !!’

‘I TOLD YOU NOT TO SIT ON THE FRONT ROW !!’ said Geordie.

 


 

Geordie had been stranded on a desert island for 25 years.

One day a beautiful blonde was washed up on the beach with her suitcase.

He got chatting to her and she produced a bottle of Brown Ale from her case.

‘Yer bugger !’ he said, ‘I’ve been gasping for one of them for ages’.

Then she brought out a packet of cigarettes.

‘And I’ve been dying for a ciggie’ said Geordie.

She started undoing her bra and said ‘I’ve got something here that you must be gasping for !’

‘YOU HAVEN’T GOT A CHIP PAN IN THERE ?’ said Geordie !!

 


 

Geordie and his pals were playing golf when a funeral cortege passed by the golf course.

Geordie promptly doffed his cloth cap and bowed his head.

One of his mates remarked that it was unusual nowadays to see someone so respectful.

‘Wey man’ said Geordie, ‘I ‘VE BEEN MARRIED TO HER FOR OVER 40 YEARS !!’

 


 

Geordie went to do his shopping at Aldi.

He bought one banana, one apple, one sausage, one potato and one carrot.

The attractive checkout attendant said

‘You must be a single man …?’

‘How did you guess, Hinnie ?’ said Geordie

‘BECAUSE YOU’RE AN UGLY BUGGER !!’ she retorted.

 


 

A young man was about to tee off at his golf club when a shapely lady asked if she could join him.

After a great round of golf she offered to buy him a drink in the members’ bar, and then she offered him a lift home.

On the way back she drove the car into the first available layby, undid his zipper and proceeded to perform an erotic act on him.

When she’d finished, he breathed a sigh of relief and said : ‘We’ve had a great day….. what with the golf, the drinks and now this !’

‘I’ve got a confession’ she said : ‘I’m a man !!’

‘You swine’ he said, ‘YOU PLAYED OFF THE LADIES TEES !!’

 


 

Geordie was watching Newcastle United at St. James’ Park.

He noticed that there was an empty seat right on the front row.

He went down and asked the man next to it if the seat was vacant.

‘My wife died recently’ he said, ‘She sat there for over 20 years’.

‘Could you not get one of the family to take it ? asked Geordie.

‘THEY’RE ALL AT THE FUNERAL !!’ he replied.

 


 

Geordie went back to Boots the chemist.

‘These Viagra are no good hinnie’ he said to the shop pharmacist.

‘THEY’RE PAST THEIR SWELL-BY DATE !!’

 


 

Geordie went back to Boots the following week, and was served by an elderly female assistant.

‘Packet of three please Miss’ he said.

‘Don’t you “Miss” me, young man !’ she said indignantly.

‘You’d better make it FOUR then !’ said Geordie.

 


 

What’s the difference between having piles and a broken engagement ?

You get your ring back after having piles !!

 


 

A Member of Parliament went to the doctor with a sore bottom

He said to the doc : ‘I’m having a bit of bother with my rear entrance’

‘That’s your problem’ said the doctor,

‘IT’S SUPPOSED TO BE AN EXIT !!’

 


 

A Geordie was sat next to a big Texan on a transatlantic flight

The Texan was boasting about the size of everything in Texas

He said : ‘I can get in my car in the morning, I can drive all day and at the end of the day I’m still on my land !’

Geordie said : ‘I USED TO HAVE A CAR LIKE THAT !’

 


 

The health inspector was paying a visit to a Tyneside bakery.

On his rounds he happened to notice one of the workers placing the top layer of pastry on the plate pies.

He also noticed that one of the workers was using his false teeth to seal and make patterns around the edges of the pies.

He immediately called over the bakery foreman, and the following conversation ensued :

‘I say, this is not very hygienic ! Hasn’t this man a tool for this sort of thing ?’

‘Oh ! yes sir ; but HE KEEPS IT FOR PUTTING THE HOLES IN THE DOUGHNUTS !!’

 


 

Sister in wartime hospital ward, confiding with rookie nurse :

‘We have two cases of V.D. coming in today’.

Rookie nurse : ‘Oh, goody ! THAT’LL BE A CHANGE FROM SPAM !!’.

 


 

Queen Victoria was entertaining the French ambassador.

They were in the royal coach, travelling along The Mall, approaching Buckingham Palace.

The horse, not being initiated in the polite, though objectionable art of rubber-soleing, was breaking wind rather profusely on this particular journey.

Her Royal Highness, being extremely embarrassed, apologised to the Frenchman who’s reply did not somehow meet with her royal approval :

‘Theenk nothing of it your majesty. As a matter of fact I THOUGHT IT WAS ZE ‘ORSE !!’

(Thanks to Len Winters for this ancient joke !!)

 


 

Conversation overheard between two old ladies, one slightly deaf, at a Byker bus stop :

‘What do you think of the new vicar ? He doesn’t half shout when he’s preaching’.

‘Eh ! What was that you said ?’

‘The new vicar’.

‘Aye, I heard that. What about him ?

‘Bawls like a bull !’

‘HAS HE ?!!’

 


 

 

Geordie staggered in from the pub one Sunday afternoon, full of hell …

He said to the wife : ‘Those fifteen kids we’ve got, there’s something not right … get them lined up !’

As they stood in line, he pointed to a spotty faced kid in the centre …

‘He’s different from all the rest’ said Geordie, ‘He’s definitely got a different father !’

His wife started crying saying that he was right !

‘Well, who’s the father ?’ spluttered Geordie.

‘YOU ARE !!’ said his missus.

 


 

A Scotsman was standing in a long queue at the duty-free shop at Havana Airport in Cuba.

All the guys in front of him were Cuban soldiers, and they were getting their goods free-of-charge.

When it came to his turn, the assistant started ringing the contents of his overloaded trolley into the till.

He said : ‘There’ll be no charge Hen, I’m one of Fidel’s boys !’

‘Hang on’, she said, ‘Fidel’s boys have big black beards and have the big cigar !’

The Scotsman promptly whipped up his kilt and said ‘SECRET SERVICE !!’

 


 

Two yokels were having a pint of cider in a country pub.

One said ‘What have you got in that there sack ?’

‘Rabbits’ said the other.

‘How many have ee got boy ?’

‘If you can guess, you can have BOTH of them !!’

‘THREE ??’ said the other !!

 


 

Geordie phoned his GP requesting a house visit as his piles were so painful that he was unable to walk.

When the doctor arrived he praised Geordie, saying

‘You’ve done the right thing – sitting on a bean bag’

‘BUT I’M NOT SITTING ON A BEAN BAG’ said Geordie !!

 


 

Wife says to her husband

‘For God’s sake Geordie, cut the grass. I can’t see out of the kitchen window’

Geordie retorted ‘THE GADGIE IN THE DOWNSTAIRS FLAT SHOULD CUT HIS FIRST !!’

 


 

Geordie bought a piglet in the pub, and staggered home, where his wife was watching the tellie.

‘Meet the pig !’ said Geordie.

‘You’re not bringing that thing in here’ said his missus.

‘I’M NOT TALKING TO YOU, I’M TALKING TO THE PIG !’ said Geordie.

 


 

Man goes to the doctor and is told that he only has 12 hours to live

His wife was heartbroken and told him that she would do anything for him

‘Lets go to bed and make love’ says the husband

An hour later he gets her to do it again, and again

After a dozen times, the wife refuses, saying

‘It’s all right for you, but I HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING ‘ !

 


 

A young curate was travelling north from London on the train, with his flask and a packet of biscuits

Opposite him sat three beautiful young ladies

He said to the first girl, ‘I say, what do you girls do for a living ?’

She replied, ‘We’re actresses, appearing in Dick Whittington at the Theatre Royal, Newcastle-upon-Tyne’

‘And what part do you take ?’ he asked

‘I take the Cat’ she replied

‘Oh, jolly good’ said the curate, ‘Would you care for a biscuit ?’

To the second girl he said, ‘And what part do you take ?’

She said, ‘I take the Mayor’

‘Jolly good’ he said, ‘Would you like a biscuit ?’

And to the third girl he said ‘And I suppose you take Dick ?’

‘Of course’, she replied, ‘BUT NOT FOR BISCUITS !’

(Extract from the pantomime : ‘Fourteen miles and still no Dick !’)

 


 

A Geordie was flying across the Atlantic, sat next to a beautiful Nun

The Captain comes on the intercom to tell passengers that there is terminal engine trouble and that they are all going to die

The Nun next to him was panic stricken

She ripped off her habit and pleaded with him

‘Make me a woman before its too late !’

Quick as a flash Geordie whipped off his shirt and vest

‘Right pet’ he said, ‘GET THAT LOT IRONED !!

 


 

A lady wrote an open letter in The Times in the 1930s to Mr. Leslie Hoare-Belisha, the then Transport Minister, it read :

‘Dear Mr. Belisha, I do not like your big striped poles with red balls on top.

I’d much rather have a policeman with his hand up !!’

(Thanks again to Len Winters for this pre-War gag !!)

 


 

Did you hear about the transvestite soldier ?

He kept his battle dress in his kit bag !!

 


 

They have found Robert Maxwell’s last shopping list in the cabin of his yacht

It read : ‘100 sq. metres of non-slip decking and a guard rail’ !

 


 

Soldier went into a chemist’s shop

‘Packet of condoms please’

The assistant said ‘Sorry, we don’t sell them, why not try Boots’

‘Boots !’ he retorted. ‘I WANT TO SLIDE IT IN, NOT MARCH IT IN !!’

 


 

Bus conductor said to woman on bus

‘Madam, your left breast is hanging out !’

The lady replied ‘Oh my God, I’VE LOST THE BAIRN !!’

(With acknowledgment to the late Bobby Thompson, the Little Waster)

 


 

Hotel manager stormed up to the bedroom of a honeymoon couple

‘I don’t mind you living on the fruits of love, but please don’t throw the skins out of the window as THEY ARE CHOKING THE SEAGULLS !!’

 


 

Man lost on the hills in deep snow, knocks on a farmhouse door.

The farmer said ‘You can stay the night, but you will have to sleep with my son !’

‘I’m awfully sorry’ he replied, ‘I THINK I’M IN THE WRONG JOKE !!’

 


 

Top-selling North Korean cookbook : 50 ways to wok your dog !

 


 

A wealthy old Italian married a beautiful young athlete

She dived into the pool on their honeymoon and swam 50 lengths at breathtaking speed

As he pulled her out of the pool he asked her if she swam for Italy

‘No’ she said, ‘I WAS A STREETWALKER IN VENICE !!’

 


 

The Chief Executive of Christies the auctioneers summoned his MD into the office.

‘That new Buyer you just started has got to go, he’s useless !!.

‘But Sir’ he replied,

‘He bought a Stradavarius and a Picasso for fifty quid !!’

‘I know’ he said, ‘IT WAS A STRADAVARIUS PAINTING AND A PICASSO VIOLIN !!!’

 


 

Snow is like sex

You never know when it’s going to come

You never know how long it will last

And YOU NEVER KNOW HOW MANY INCHES YOU ARE GOING TO GET !!’!

 


 

A Geordie was staggering out of a working mens club in Newburn at Christmas time

The Salvation Army were singing ‘Glory to the Newborn King’

‘Wey yer bugger’ he said, ‘I NEVER KNEW THERE WAS A KING OF NEWBURN !!’

 


 

Man doing a washing powder demonstration in Fenwicks department store in Newcastle-upon-Tyne

As he dips a fabric into the tubs he chanted

Into the hot … out of the hot

Into the cold … out of the cold

Up to the light … clean and bright

Up to the nose … sweet as a rose !

He asked for an item of clothing from the audience, and an old woman threw her knickers across, and he proceeded …

Into the hot … out of the hot

Into the cold … out of the cold

Up to the light … clean and bright

Up to the nose …

INTO THE HOT !!

 


 

An attractive young lady went into Windows of the Arcade in Newcastle to buy a record just before the War

She said to the young lad behind the counter

‘Have you got Spurs that Jingle Jangle on a six inch ?’

He went out the back, came back and said

‘I’ve got Balls that Dingle Dangle on a twelve inch’

‘Is that a record ?’ she said

‘It should be’ said the boy, ‘I’M ONLY SIXTEEN !!!’

 

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