Older gags

Geordie was necking on with a new lass in the front of his Lada and started to undo her blouse

He tried to get her to go into the back seat, but she refused, saying

‘I’m not gannin in the back seat Geordie !’

Eventually he managed to get her bra undone and begged her to get into the back seat

She started crying and screamed out ‘I divn’t want to get into the back seat Geordie,

I WANT TO STAY HERE WITH YOU !!’

 


 

Geordie said to his wife

 

‘Why do you always close your eyes when we make love ?’

 

‘Because I DON’T LIKE TO SEE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!’ she retorted.

 

 


 

A Jewish lady phoned the Newcastle Evening Chronicle

 

‘I would like to place an advert to say that my husband has died’ she said

 

‘All I want to say is MANNIE’S DEAD’

 

‘The minimum is 5 words for £2.50, Mrs. Cohen’ said the sales girl

 

‘Let me see’, said Mrs. Cohen …… ‘MANNIE’S DEAD, ROLLS ROYCE FOR SALE’ !!

 

 


 

An Irish girl went to live in London and returned a year later to see her family in Dublin

 

‘I have a confession’ said the girl to her mother

 

‘I can’t make ends meet and have had to become a prostitute !’

 

Her mother was aghast …. ‘You’ve become what ?’ screamed the mother

 

‘A prostitute’ said the girl

 

‘The saints be praised’ said the mother, ‘I thought you said PROTESTANT !

 


 

Geordie said to his wife ‘What do you want for your birthday, pet ?

 

‘A WIDOW’S PENSION’ she replied !!

 

 


 

 

Three lasses were having a drink in a bar in Byker.

The first one said : ‘I wish I was Britney Spears – she’s got men queing up for her’

The second said : ‘I wish I was Jordan – she’s fighting the men off’

The third said : ‘I’ve just seen the billboard for News of the World about Sarah Pipallini – what a Bimbo !’

‘Who the hell is Sarah Pipallini ?’ asked one of the lasses, reaching for the newspaper.

There on the centre spread of News of the World was the headline – SAHARA PIPELINE LAID BY 1,500 MEN IN TWO WEEKS !!

 


 

Geordie went to RADA to study acting.

He was out of work for ages after graduating, but was eventually offered a small part in a sitcom.

He was telling his Mam : ‘I’m playing the part of a man who has been married for 30 years’

‘Don’t worry Son’ she said, ‘You’ll soon get a speaking part !!’

 


 

Geordie was trying to chat up a shapely young lady in a trendy bar in Newcastle.

‘I’ve started using Grecian 2000 on my hair’ said Geordie.

‘That’s funny’ said the lass, ‘I was just saying to my friend that you look like a 2000 year old Greek !’

 


 

When Geordie was a bairn of four years old he was determined not to go to school.

His Dad said to him ‘Geordie, ye’ve got to gan to school between the age of four and sixteen !’

‘I divn’t want to gan, Dad’ pleaded little Geordie ….. but his Dad dragged him kicking and screaming to the school gates.

‘I divn’t want to gan Dad’ screamed the bairn !

Geordie was crying his little eyes out, looking through the wrought iron bars around the school yard as his Dad walked away.

‘Dad !’ he screamed …. ‘DIVN’T FORGET TO COME BACK FOR ME WHEN I’M SIXTEEN !!!’

 


 

Poem :

Roses are Red, Violets are Blue.

I am schizophrenic.

And so am I.

 


 

Geordie was driving along the road and was pulled in by a Police car.

‘I’ve got some bad news for you Geordie’ said the copper.

‘Your wife fell out of the car a few miles down the road and she has been taken to hospital’

‘Thank God for that’ said Geordie, ‘I thought I’d gone deaf !!

 


 

Geordie went to the doctors with an irritation of a personal nature.

The doctor gave him a thorough examination.

‘Do you want the good news or the bad news ?’ said the Doc.

‘What’s the bad news ?’ asked Geordie.

‘You’ve got a sexually transmitted disease’ the Doctor replied.

‘What’s the good news then ? said Geordie.

‘Well’ said the Doctor, ‘I suggest that you have been with a very high class lady …… you’ve got LOBSTERS !!’

 


 

Over 38% of men have had sex in the shower ….. the rest haven’t been to prison yet !!

 


 

Two old men were talking in the working men’s club.

One said to the other.

‘There are no proper tradesmen these days ……. no-one could stain a floor like my great grandfather’

‘Was he a French polisher ?’ replied his mate.

‘NO …. HE WAS INCONTINENT !!!’

 


 

Chief Sitting Bull was on his death-bed.

His wife was at his bedside.

She swore on her childrens’ lives that she would never, ever go with another man after he died.

Anyway Sitting Bull kicked the bucket the next day.

His widow lasted a week before she finished up in bed with the tribe’s super stud  !……

Her name was LYING COW !!

 


 

Geordie said to his mate : ‘My eyesight is getting terrible …… I got in from the pub last night, switched on the tele and thought I was watching a sordid blue movie !

When I put my specs on I realised that it was Jeremy Corbin EATING A BANANA !!’

 


 

A 54 year old professor of Mathematics left a note for his wife, as follows :

‘I have decided that I need some excitement in my life, so I am taking my 18 year old research assistant out tonight ….. don’t wait up for me !’

When he returned home in the early hours to find the house deserted.

His wife had left a note on the hall table, which read :

‘I am spending the night with fit, 18 year old lad, who works at the local swimming pool !

I am sure that as a mathematician you will be able to illustrate that 18 goes more times into 54 than does 54 into 18 !!’

 


 

Tony Blair and Prince Phillip were sat next to each other at a State banquet.

Phillip leaned across to Tony and whispered in his ear :

‘Got a bit of a problem, Old Boy ….. the ‘old man’ doesn’t seem to want to rise to the occasion these days !’

‘Had the same problem myself’ replied Tony … ‘What with all the stress of Iraq and the tuition fees thing in the House !’

‘But got it cracked’ said Tony ……

‘I find if I drop my pyjamas before getting into bed and whack it hard a few times on the bedside cabinet, it seems to jog it into action !

Anyway, Philip trotted into the bedroom that night, where his beloved was pretending to be asleep … and proceeded to bash his member on the bedside table !

The Queen looked up in shock, saying : ‘IS THAT YOU, TONY !!’

 


 

A Polish guy went to the optician …..

‘Can you please read the top line of the chart, Mr. Kobliznska’ – said the Optician.

‘Can I read it ?’ he replied …. ‘He’s a good friend of mine !!’

 


 

Geordie was up in Crown Court for shooting a Golden Eagle in Northumberland …..

The Judge retorted : ‘Why did you shoot the eagle, Geordie ?’

‘I was shooting pheasant’ Geordie said, ‘and the eagle got into me line of fire !’

‘What did you do with it ?’ asked the Judge.

‘I ate it’ replied Geordie.

‘What on earth did it taste like ?’, asked the judge.

‘A BIT LIKE SWAN !!’ Geordie replied.

 


 

Geordie was feeling in a benevolent mood as he had just received his redundancy pay from the shipyard.

‘I feel like spending a lot of money’ he said to his wife.

‘Would you like to go on a world cruise ?’

‘Definitely not’ she replied.

‘Well, would you like a new car ?’

‘Not really’ she said.

‘Well what do you want, woman ?’ said Geordie.

‘I want a divorce’ she said.

‘I DIDN’T WANT TO SPEND THAT MUCH !!’ said Geordie.

 


 

Police recently sealed off a street in North Shields, as a member of the public had spotted an unusual object in a motor vehicle.

It turned out to be a TAX DISC

 


 

Little boy said to his mother : ‘Does the Swedish au pair girl come apart, Mammy ?’

‘Of course not’ said his mother.

‘That’s funny’ said the lad, ‘I just heard Daddy say that he would love to screw the arse off her !!’

 


 

Geordie said to his wife : ‘You’ll never guess who I bumped into on my way to the Eye Clinic yesterday …’

‘Who was that ?’ she replied.

‘EVERYBODY !!’ he said.

 


 

Why do husbands usually die before their wives ?

BECAUSE THEY WANT TO !!

 


 

Geordie was lying in bed with his wife …….

‘You never tell me when you’ve had a climax !’ said Geordie.

‘It’s not my fault’ said his wife …….. ‘YOU TOLD ME NEVER TO PHONE YOU AT WORK !!’

 


 

It is a fact that less than 15% of husbands kiss their wives goodbye when they leave the house.

And yet, OVER 95% OF MEN KISS THE HOUSE GOODBYE WHEN THEY LEAVE THE WIFE !!

 


 

Three little boys were chatting in the school playground in North Shields.

The first one said : ‘My Dad’s the fastest man in the world – he can shoot an arrow and catch it before it lands !’

The second lad said : ‘That’s nothing – my Dad can fire a gun and catch the bullet before it lands !’

Little Geordie blurted out – ‘That’s nowt man – me Dad works for the Council – he finishes work at five – BUT HE’S BACK IN THE HOOSE BY FOUR !’

 


 

Geordie went to see the optician.

He could not read any of the charts that were put up in front of his eyes.

Shaking his head, the optician said : ‘Geordie, you really will have to stop playing with yourself !’

‘Does it affect me eyesight like ?’ asked Geordie.

‘No’ said the optician …. ‘YOU’VE UPSET ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WAITING ROOM !!’

 


 

Geordie said to his mate :

I haven’t spoken to the wife for over 5 years ….. I DON’T LIKE TO INTERRUPT HER !!

 


 

A female circus dwarf went to the doctor, heavily pregnant.

The doc said ‘Would you like to know the sex of your unborn child ?’

‘I’m not really bothered’, she replied ….. ‘JUST AS LONG AS IT WILL FIT IN THE CANNON !!’

 


 

Geordie inserted an advert in the Personal Column of the Newcastle Evening Chronicle.

It read : ‘Wife wanted by local man’.

He got several hundred replies, all saying more or less the same thing : ‘YOU CAN HAVE MINE’ !!

 


 

An elderly Jewish lady was on her death bed in hospital.

Her husband held her hand and said :

‘Freda, is there any last thing I can do for you ?’

‘Now that you mention it, Hymie, there is …….. please buy me something RETAIL ‘

 


 

What’s the difference between Jeffrey Archer and Tony Blair ?

JEFFREY’S GOT CONVICTIONS !!

 


 

Geordie went for a job interview with the local Council.

There were 3 other applicants in the room and the Human Resources manager said :

‘Right lads, What’s the fastest thing in the world ?…..

The man with the best answer gets the job !’

The first man said ‘A thought, Sir’ ….. ‘Very good’ said the manager.

The second said ‘A blink of the eye, Sir’ ……. ‘Excellent’ said the manager.

‘A light, when it’s switched on’ the third guy said …….. ‘Not bad’ said the manager.

Geordie was scratching his head, then said ‘DIARRHOEA !’.

‘How come ?’ asked the manager.

‘Well’ said Geordie’

‘I woke up in bed last night and before I could THINK, BLINK, OR TURN THE LIGHT ON, I’D S**T MYSELF !!’

 


 

Geordie was lying in bed with his Missus, feeling philosophical.

‘You know’, he said, ‘Women are like pianos … WHEN THEY’RE NOT UPRIGHT, THEY’RE GRAND !’

‘And men are like carpets’, said his wife, ‘IF YOU LAY THEM RIGHT THE FIRST TIME, YOU CAN WALK ALL OVER THEM FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES !!’

 


 

An elderly Jewish couple were having no success in bed and the husband could not satisfy his wife.

They went to see the Rabbi for advice.

He suggested that his wife might get excited if they paid a strapping young Jewish boy to stand by the bed with no clothes on, waving a towel whilst they were making love. ‘That is sure to turn her on’ said the Rabbi.

But as this was unsuccessful, they went back for further counselling to the Rabbi.

‘Why not let the young lad make love to your wife, while you wave the towel !’ suggested the Rabbi.

Anyway, the young lad made fantastic love to the wife while the old man furiously waved a towel at the bedside, and sure enough his wife had the most monumental multiple orgasm !

When the young lad climbed off the bed the old man berated him, saying :

‘YOU SCHMUCK ! THAT’S HOW TO WAVE A TOWEL PROPERLY !!!’

(Thanks to Hymie Cohen for that one, nice one Hymie)

 


 

An Icelandic tourist’s motorbike broke down in the Welsh mountains.

He pushed it into a local garage and waited patiently for it to be mended.

The mechanic came out, saying : ‘You’ve blown a seal’

‘So what !’ said the Icelander … ‘I BET YOU’VE SHAGGED A SHEEP !!’

 


 

Geordie went into a bar on Newcastle Quayside and ordered a DOUBLE ENTENDRE

And the barmaid GAVE HIM ONE !!!

 


 

Geordie was working as a zoo keeper, in charge of the gorillas.

He went into one of the enclosures where a big gorilla had a Bible in one hand and a copy of Darwin’s Origin of Species in the other.

‘You can’t read two books at once’ said Geordie to the gorilla.

The gorilla scratched his head and said :

‘I CAN’T FIGURE OUT IF I AM MY BROTHER’S KEEPER OR MY KEEPER’S BROTHER !!’

 


 

George Best woke up after the operation with his surgeon at the bedside.

‘Do you want the good news or the bad news ?’, said the surgeon.

‘What’s the good news ?’ asked George.

‘The operation has been 100% successful’, replied the surgeon.

‘But what’s the bad news ?’ asked George.

‘I’VE GIVEN YOU OLIVER REED’S LIVER !!!’ said the surgeon.

 


 

Geordie’s wife sent him to the greengrocers to get some potatoes.

He said to the lass ‘Five pounds of potatoes, Hinnie’.

‘We’ve gone metric, Geordie, its KILOS now’ said the assistant.

‘Nee problem’ said Geordie, ‘Giv us FIVE POUNDS OF KILOS !!!’

 


 

Geordie bumped into an old school friend who was wandering around with bare feet in Byker,

‘Everything has gone wrong’ said his mate

‘I think the wife is having an affair …. the daughter is going out with a drug dealer …. my business is going under … and my health is failing.

I can’t even afford a pair of shoes !’

‘What size do you take ?’ asked Geordie

‘Size 10’ he replied.

‘I take an 8’ said Geordie, ‘I’ll give you a pair of mine if you like’

‘Nee problem’ said his mate, ‘I’ll squeeze into them somehow !’

Geordie saw his friend again a few days later, and he was looking even more depressed.

‘How’s it going ?’ asked Geordie.

‘Terrible’, he replied …. ‘Wor lass has left me for a 20 stone boxer … the daughter’s pregnant to the drug dealer … I’ve just gone bankrupt …and I’ve just found out that I’ve got a heart complaint !’

‘In fact’ he said … ‘THE ONLY RELIEF I GET IS WHEN I TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF !!’

 

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