Old gags

A woman collared a man in a Tyneside street …

‘You’re the father of one of my children !’ she said.

‘I remember you now’ the man replied, ‘I’m awfully sorry …

It was that drunken Stag Weekend about six years ago in Newcastle , I made mad passionate love to you in that hotel bedroom while one of the lads was hitting me on the bottom with a frozen kipper !!’

‘You misunderstand me’ she said

‘I’m your son’s English teacher !!’

 


 

The Wing Commander on the aircraft screamed at Quazimodo :

‘For God’s sake, Quazi, jump !’

‘It’s a hump, not a parashute !’ shouted Quazi !!

 


 

A man won millions on the lottery and decided to construct a top-class golf course.

A few days before it was due to open he spotted lots of mole hills on the last green, so he phoned the local mole catcher – telling him that he wanted the moles killed in the nastiest way possible, as he had spent so much money on the course !

When the little old fella had sorted out the moles he arrived with his invoice at the golf club.

‘How did you kill them ?’ asked the owner.

‘Well Sir’, he said

‘I killed them in the worst way possible ……. I buried them alive !!’

 

(Gag kindly supplied by the Rev. Tim Duff)

 


 

What’s the difference between a seagull and a baby ?

One flits about the shore ….. !

 


 

What’s the difference between a magician’s wand and a policeman’s truncheon ?

One is for cunning stunts …. !

 


 

A very fat couple were making love in their Council House

The fat guy said ‘It’s no good honey, I’m going to have to stop’

‘What’s wrong ?’ she asked

‘My bottom’s touching the light bulb !!’ he replied.

 


 

A l ittle lad said to his dad

‘Daddy there’s a man at the front door with a moustache’

His dad replied

‘Tell him to bugger off, I’ve got one already !’

 


 

What do you call a camel with 4 humps ?

A SAUDI QUATTRO

And, of course, a camel with 3 humps is HUMPHREY

 


 

 

An elderly man ran naked through the marquee at the Whitley Bay Flower Show

 

They gave him first prize for his DRIED ARRANGEMENT !!

 


 

 

A young, heavily-pregnant, teenager from Byker, frantically phoned her mother up

 

‘Mam, I think mee waters have broken !’ she screeched

 

‘I’ll be straight roond when I’ve finished me ciggie !’ said her mother

 

‘Where are you ringing from, Pet ?’

 

‘From me nickers right doon to me feet !!’ said the lass

 

 


 

Two men escaped on bicycles from the Tynemouth Lunatic Asylum

 

A few miles down the road one of them pulled into the kerb and let his rear tyre down !

 

‘The saddle was too high !’, he said

 

A bit further down the road, the other guy stopped his bike and turned the handlebars around through 180 degrees !

 

‘I’m not riding with a nutter like you’ he said, ‘I’m going back to Tynemouth !!’

 


 

What’s the difference between a man and a pig ?

AFTER 12 PINTS OF LAGER, A PIG DOESN’T TURN INTO A MAN

 


 

 

Two high class girls were in the lift in the exclusive Montague Court apartment block in Gosforth, when a stunning-looking male executive type got into the lift

 

When he got off at the next floor one of the girls said ‘My God what a dish, but did you see his dandruff ?’

 

Her friend said ‘If he was my boyfriend, I’d give him Head and Shoulders’

 

‘HOW DO YOU GIVE SHOULDERS ?’ asked the other !!

 

 

 


 

 

Definition of an alcoholic : GREEN SHOES AND A RUSTY ZIP

 

Definition of a nyphomaniac : A woman who’s seen more ceilings than Michaelangelo

 

Or …… a nymphomaniac is a woman who can trip a man up and is underneath him before he hits the floor

 

 

 


 

Michaelangelo was just finishing off the ceiling of the Cystine Chapel after nine years on his back when his boss came in and said ‘You can call it a day Mike, the Pope has decided he wants it papered !!’

 

 


 

What is 40 yards long, has false teeth and stinks of urine ?

 

THE FRONT ROW OF A CLIFF RICHARD CONCERT

 

 


 

What’s the difference between a goldfish and a mountain goat ?

 

One mucks about in the fountain …. !

 

 


 

What’s the difference between a mountain goat and a butler ?

 

One does his panting in the country …. !

 

 


 

An elderly lady went to see a monumental sculptor to order a headstone for her own grave !

 

She explained to the man that she went to church every Sunday, had never been with a man in her life and that she lived a pure and clean existence

 

He gave it a bit of thought when she departed and on the headstone he carved the words  MARY HIGGINS. RETURNED UNOPENED !

 

 


 

Geordie and his wife wanted a bit of spice in their sex lives and replied to an advert for SWINGERS WANTED in the evening paper

 

They organised a foursome with another couple at their house

 

Geordie was lying in bed that night, thinking what great sex he had had

 

He said to his partner ‘That was fantastic, I wonder how the girls are getting on !!’

 

 


 

A Welshman went to the doctors and told him that he thought he had a sexually transmitted ailment

‘There’s nothing wrong with you’ said the doctor,

you’re just allergic to wool ‘

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Anyway, the Rabbi gave the boy a start, but he slipped on the first day and GOT THE SACK !!

 

 


 

There was a power cut in the Cumbrian hills and a farmer says to his wife ‘Lets have a early night and play games in bed !’

 

‘Let’s play GUESS THE FLAVOUR OF MY CONDOM’ he said

 

As soon as they got into the sack his wife said ‘Cheese and Onion !’

 

‘I HAVEN’T EVEN OPENED THE PACKET YET’ said her husband !!

 

 


 

A man went to the doctors to get the result of his tests

 

The doctor said ‘Do you want the good or the bad news ?’

 

‘What’s the good news ?’ he ventured

 

‘The good news is that you have 24 hours to live !’

 

‘Good God’ said the patient, ‘What’s the bad news ??’

 

‘I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU YESTERDAY !!’said the doctor

 

 


 

Geordie came back in from work at the shipyard to find his wife boiling one of his socks on the stove

 

‘What the hell are you up to, woman ?’ he asked

 

‘I’m just obeying your orders’ she said …

 

‘You came into the bedroom drunk last night, and before you collapsed, you shouted WASH MY SOCK ‘

 

 


 

Geordie went into the Working Mens Club for a drink

 

His mate asked him ‘Have you got a job yet Geordie ?’

 

‘Funny you should ask that’ said Geordie, ‘I’ve just started making donations to the local Sperm Bank, and withing 3 months I should have made over a thousand pounds’

 

‘Ee’, said his mate, ‘YOU’RE MAKING MONEY HAND OVER FIST !!’

 

 


 

A huntsman in the Yorkshire Dales called into the pub after the hunt

 

He said to the attractive woman at the bar ‘Excuse me, I’m a little stiff from riding !’

 

‘WAS THAT THE EAST OR THE WEST RIDING ?’ said she

 

 


 

A call girl, who lived on the top floor of a block of flats in Scotswood Road, Newcastle was having a relaxing drink in the Fawcett Inn after a hard day’s work

 

‘Ee’, she said, ‘I’ve had over 70 men up them stairs today and there’s no lift !!’

 

‘Never’ said her friend, taking a swig of her Newcastle Broon … ‘YOUR POOR FEET ‘

 

 


 

Quasimodo was being chased down the back lane by dozens of kids

 

‘Bugger off’ he shouted, ‘I HAVEN’T GOT YOUR FOOTBALL ‘

 

 


 

A Jewish man was on his deathbed

 

His wife was at his bedside and asked him if he had a final wish

 

‘Get a Catholic priest, I want to convert !’ said he.

 

‘What on earth for ?’ asked his wife.

 

‘I’D RATHER ONE OF THEM DIED THAN ONE OF US ‘

(Supplied by Mannie Goldberg)

 


 

A suicide bomber went into a petshop

 

‘You’ve all got 60 seconds to get out’ he shouted

 

‘You swine’ said the parrot. ‘WHAT ABOUT THE TORTOISE  ?’

 

 


 

What’s the similarity between a man 500 ft up on a tightrope and a young man doing something very intimate with his 80 year old girlfriend down below ?

 

THEY ARE BOTH TERRIFIED TO LOOK DOWN

 

 


 

A blind prostitute : you’ve got to hand it to her

 

 


 

How do you get a fat person into bed ?

 

A PIECE OF CAKE

 

 


 

Israeli army survival kit : A fez and a clip-on foreskin

 

 


 

It is reported that over 3,000 Israeli troops went into Jordan last night

 

Her agent says she is looking forward to the next regiment

 

 


 

The Reverend Iain Paisley was giving one his lengthy sermons in his Belfast Church.

 

He banged his fist on the pulpit, shouting ‘And there will be wailing and gnashing of teeth !’

 

An old fella on the front row, who was wearing dentures, put his hand up and said

 

‘Mr. Paisley, what happens if you’ve no teeth ?’

 

The Reverend continued to bang his fist, declaring

 

‘TEETH WILL BE PROVIDED ‘

 

 


 

Why has a milking stool only got 3 legs ?

 

THE COW’S GOT THE UDDER ONE !!

 

 


 

Esmeralda was out with the girls in the Notre Dame region of Paris

 

She got out her purse to pay for a round of drinks.

 

‘My God, your purse is just about bursting’ said one of her friends

 

‘You must be carrying a fortune in there’.

 

‘I’m not actually’ she replied, ‘It’s just a photo of Quazi ‘

 

 


 

What’s the difference between Batman and a teenage delinquent ?

 

BATMAN CAN GO OUT WITHOUT ROBIN

 

 


 

An elderly couple were sitting together in Church one Sunday morning.

 

The wife whispered in her husband’s ear “I’ve just dropped one of those nasty silent ones, what shall I do ?”

 

“GET A NEW BATTERY FOR YOUR HEARING AID” he retorted

 


 

A man went into North Shields library and asked the librarian if they had any books on committing suicide.

 

He returned to the main desk after a few minutes to complain that he couldn’t find any.

 

The librarian apologised, saying ‘The problem is, they very rarely bring them back ‘

 

 


 

Geordie was talking to his mate in the Club, saying ‘It’s a shame about that bloke in Tynemouth getting struck off the Medical Register for interfering with his patients.

 

‘I agree’ said his pal, ‘He was a first class Vet ‘

 

 


 

Paul McCartney’s new release : MUG OF KINTYRE

 


 

John Prescott went into a butcher’s shop in his constituency

 

‘Is that a pig’s head ?’ he enquired

 

‘No, John’ replied the butcher ‘IT’S A MIRROR ‘

 

 

 

 


 

An elderly lady was running around the old folk’s home naked !

 

Two male residents saw her streak past the television lounge

 

One of them asked the other : ‘What was that woman wearing ?’

 

‘I don’t know’ said the other ‘BUT IT NEEDED IRONING ‘

 

 


 

A young good looking Jewish lad was telling his Dad about the girl he met last night.

 

‘She’s a lovely redhead called Sheila McCafferty’, he said.

 

‘That’s no good’ said his Dad, ‘you should be going out with a nice Jewish girl.’

 

A few weeks later, the lad was telling his father that he had scored with another fantastic girl

.

‘What’s her name ?’ asked his father

.

‘Goldberg’ the boy replied.

 

‘That’s better’ his father said.’And what’s her first name ?’

‘WHOOPIE !!’ said the lad.

 

(Another one from Mannie Goldberg)

 

 


 

Two men escaped from the Tynemouth Lunatic Asylum and when they met up on the road the next day, one of them had a bike.

 

‘Where did you get the bike ?’ said one of them.

 

‘I was walking through Northumberland Park’  he replied ‘When I came across this lovely lass.

 

She was sunbathing with her knickers off next to her bike and said I could have anything I liked !

 

So I TOOK THE BIKE ‘

 

‘You did the right thing’ his mate said.

 

‘THOSE KNICKERS WOULD NEVER HAVE FITTED YOU !!’

 


 

A bloke said to his wife

 

‘I’ve just bought a box of those new OLYMPIC CONDOMS !!

 

Shall I wear a gold one tonight ??’

 

‘Why don’t you wear silver and COME SECOND FOR A CHANGE ‘ she retorted.

 

 


 

Geordie was chatting up a young lass in a bar in Tynemouth

 

She said ‘Guess who the best male lovers in the world are ?’

 

‘No idea’ said Geordie

 

‘I’ve just read that the best superstuds are cowboys and Jewish gentlemen’ she said

 

‘Anyway’ she said …. ‘What’s your name ?’

 

‘WILD BILL ROSENBERG ‘

he replied.

 


 

A man went into the doctors in Tynemouth with a problem of a personal nature

 

The doctor examined him and told him that he had a very nasty sexually transmitted disease

 

‘I’ve never been with a woman’ protested the man …

 

‘I must have caught it from a toilet seat !!’

 

‘Well, you must have been CHEWING it’ said the doctor …

 

‘It’s in your GUMS !!’

 

 


 

 

Geordie was drinking with his mate in the Byker working mens’ club

 

‘I was reading about the long term effects of heavy drinking, last night’ said Geordie

 

‘That’s me finished’ he said. ‘NO MORE READING FOR ME ‘

 


 

An elderly couple met in the piano bar on a Saga cruise ship.

They retired to the old man’s cabin for a bit of hanky panky.

The old fella got out a packet of condoms !

When the old lady remarked that he did not need a condom at his age, he said : ‘This is the only part of my body that hasn’t got arthritis and the doctor says I have to keep it dry !!’

 


 

Geordie and his mate flew to Paris with Easyjet for the weekend and scored with a couple of French girls on the first night

 

At three in the morning, Geordie knocked on his mate’s bedroom door

 

‘WHAT’S FRENCH FOR SOIXANTE-NEUF ?’ asked Geordie

 

The next morning over breakfast Geordie said to his pal

 

‘I had to kick her out at half past three … I COULDN’T MANAGE ANOTHER SIXTY EIGHT OF THOSE ‘

 

 


 

A man was up a ladder putting up a bill poster outside a cinema in Newcastle

 

An attractive lady looked up and asked him ‘Is King Kong coming ?’

 

‘Ee I’m sorry Pet !’ said the man … ‘IT’S JUST THE PASTE OFF ME BRUSH ‘

 

 


 

 

George Bush came up with his strategy to combat global warming. He’s was going to BOMB EVERYWHERE THAT’S HOT

 

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