Latest gags

There are a number of mechanical devices that induce sexual arousal in a woman – chief among these is the Mercedes Benz SL500


It’s a fact that women who are overweight live longer than men who mention it.


Geordie’s wife said to him ‘I’ve had enough, I want a divorce, all you think about is football, football, football and we never even get a holiday together’.     Geordie said, ‘We can’t divorce pet after all this time, we’ve been together for over 25 seasons’


A wealthy college student had a willy transplant as he wasn’t happy with the size of his member, but unfortunately his right hand rejected it


A lad said to his father

‘Dad, there was a man at the circus who got on a horse, slid right underneath it, grabbed the horse’s tail and pulled himself onto the horse’s neck !’

‘That’s nothing’ said his Dad …. ‘I did that the first time I rode a horse’

 


 

A man was being pursued by a Police car on the motorway at over 100mph

The copper pulled him in and asked him why he was driving so fast

The guy said

 ‘My wife went off with a Police Officer and I thought it might be you – bringing her back !’


 

As the traffic warden’s coffin was being lowered into the ground there was a frantic shout from inside :

 ‘I’m alive, please rescue me,   I’m alive’     

But with a wry smile the Vicar said

‘Sorry old boy, it’s too late,  I’ve already filled in the paper work’ !


 

A new young GP,  straight out of medical school,  called to see an elderly aristocratic lady in her stately home and was shown up to the bed chamber by a maid

He asked the old lady   ‘Have you ever been bedridden ?’

‘Many hundreds of times, young man

And I was regularly table-ended and back-scuttled ‘

 

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

If there’s one thing that appeals to Jerry Hall more than ugly millionaires

It’s ugly billionaires


 

Geordie was acquitted of an armed bank robbery at Newcastle Crown Court.

‘Great’ he said to the judge

‘Does that mean I can keep the money ?’


 

‘Hello you have reached the Men’s Helpline

My name is Bob

Can I help you ?’

‘Yes, I suspected that my wife was being unfaithful to me.  It’s the usual things like the phone ringing but no-one there when I pick it up and she always going out with ‘the girls’.  I try and stay up for her but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway, one night recently I woke up and she was still out, so I got dressed, went out into the garage and hid  behind my boat.

I saw her get out of a car, button up her blouse, take her panties out of her purse and put them on.

It was at that moment that I spotted a hairline crack in the bracket of my outboard motor.

Can I get it welded or do I have to replace the whole bracket ?’


 

 

A couple had twins but gave them up for adoption

One went to Egypt so they called him Amal

The other went to Spain and they called him Juan

Years later, Juan sent a photo of himself to his parents

His mother said, I’d love to see a photo of Amal as well

The husband said

‘They’re twins, once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal’


 

A newly wed bride was gazing out of the hotel window in Blackpool on her Honeymoon, the morning after the night before, while her blushing husband lay in bed looking very sheepish

She said

‘Blackpool Tower is much smaller than I imagined it would be as well ‘


 

A young bride said to her ageing husband

‘Can I get you a drink, darling ?’

‘No’ he said,

‘This Viagra has put me off drink’

A few hours later she asked him if he wanted anything to eat

‘No’ he said,

‘I’ve lost my appetite since I started taking that Viagra ‘

Several hours later she said

‘For goodness sake get off me and let me get out of bed and go to the bathroom ‘


 

A man went into the Confession Box, with the Priest on the other side of the partition

After 15 minutes not a word had been uttered, so the Priest knocked gently on the wooden partition

‘It’s no good knocking, mate’       said the guy

‘There’s no paper in here either ‘


 

A Scotsman was walking past a classy restaurant in Edinburgh with his wife

‘What an amazing smell, the food must be unbelievable’   she said

‘Oh, go on’ he thought to himself

and he walked her past the restaurant again 


 

A guy met up with his ex-wife for a drink and they were getting along very well.

She said :

‘Can you remember when you were young and you did your party piece, bending an iron bar over your rock hard erection ?’

He said :

‘I can’t manage that any more,

My wrists are gone ‘


 

A couple went in to see their GP and the wife explained that although her husband was taking Viagra he still could not get the least bit aroused.

The doctor said he’d give them both a full and thorough physical examination.

First he inspected the husband, then spent about twenty minutes behind the curtain with the naked wife.

The doctor reappeared, saying to the husband :

‘There’s nothing wrong with you mate, I can’t get aroused either ‘


 

A new young GP was being taken on the rounds by one of the senior partners

At the first call, the older man suggested to the patient that he recommended that she ate less fresh fruit

The new partner asked why he recommended this and the older guy said

‘When I dropped my stethoscope, I noticed that her litter bin was full of banana skins !’

At the next call, the new doctor said to the lady patient

‘I think you are doing far too much for the church. It’s about time you eased off ‘

The older partner asked how on earth he knew about her church activities

The young man said

‘I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to pick it up I noticed that the Vicar was under the bed ‘


 

A woman got on a bus with a baby and the driver said

‘My god, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen’

She sat next to a big guy on the back seat and told him that the driver had insulted her

‘I would’t stand for that’, said the guy

‘Go and give him a hard time,

I’ll hold your monkey’ 


 

A Greek guy, a Spaniard and a Portuguese man had a drink together in a bar.

Q.  Who picked up the bill ?

A.  A German


 

A Roman walks into a bar and gives the bartender a V-sign

‘Give me 5 beers’    he said 


 

Geordie was out with his wife for a good night’s drink in the club

He said     ‘I love you, I really do, I bloody love you ‘

She said    ‘Is that you or the beer talking  ?’ 

‘It’s me talking to the beer ‘


 

Are you sure you want me to do this darling, cause when I’m finished you won’t be able to sit down for weeks ?

Definitely, she said,

So I put the three-piece suite on eBay 


 

Harder 

she screamed,

Harder 

She gripped the edge of the coffee table tightly

Okay, I said

What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?


 

An elderly couple, dressed up to the nines, were out celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in a posh restaurant

She said ‘Have you got any Rennies in your pocket, I’ve got terrible heart burn ?’

‘It’s not that, my dear’  he said

‘Your left breast is in your soup’


 

One of the Queen’s lady servants had just returned from her honeymoon in Blackpool and was telling her boss all about it

‘Were you virgo intacta ?’  asked the Queen

‘Oh no’ she said

We were Full Board ‘


 

An old man went to the doctor and told him that he couldn’t ‘get it up’

The doctor said he could help him but that he would need to know when he last had sex

‘I can’t remember’, said the man

‘I’ll phone my wife’

‘Darling’ he said,

‘When did we last have sex ?’

She put on her poshest voice and said 

‘Who is that calling ? ‘


 

 

A man was getting a dislocated  shoulder put back in place in Rake Lane Hospital and was screaming in agony  

The doctor said : I’ve just delivered a 14 pound baby without a murmur from the mother

The bloke said : You want to try putting it back again 


 

A man went to the doctor as his wife had asked him to get some of those pills that would help him get a huge erection

He brought her back diet pills and he’s now on the street and looking for a place to live 


 

A man got stopped by the Police and the officer said to him

Your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking ?

The man staggered out of his car and said to the officer

Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating doughnuts ?


 

My friend thought he was clever when he told me that an onion was the only vegetable that made him cry

I threw a coconut in his face 


 

I can honestly say that my wife has never faked an orgasm

She’s never had enough time 


 

I like to hide the wife’s inhaler, so the neighbours think I’m a stallion when they hear her panting 


 

I thought the last girlfriend was the real thing, but after looking in her bedroom drawers and finding a French maid’s outfit, a nurse’s uniform and Police clothing I decided to ditch her as obviously she can’t hold a job down 


 

I took my Rottweiller to the vet  as he had a problem with his teeth.

The vet picked him up and had a good look in his mouth.

I’m afraid I’m going to have to put him down, said the vet.

Has he a chronic condition ?   I asked

No, said the vet

HE’S REALLY HEAVY 


 

I ordered a wake-up call the other day in a hotel

When I picked up the phone there was a woman on the other end who said

‘What the hell are you doing with your life ?’


 

I was stopped in North Shields by a woman in the street who asked me if I have had a recent accident which wasn’t my fault.  

I said I had and that she is just coming up to her 1st birthday 


 

I was wondering how you send a text message to yourself

I’m newly self-employed, was on the drink last night, and don’t think I’ll be in to work today 


 

Madonna is 55, her boyfriend is 22

Jennifer Lopez is 43 and her boyfriend is 26

Don’t worry if your are not dating yet, girls, he may not be born yet 


 

My girlfriend screamed

Oh my God, there’s a great big hairy spider in the bath with long legs !

Use this, I said, passing her my new Gillette Mach 3 


 

‘Cliff Richard, you have the right to remain silent’

A shame no-one told him that the first time he picked up a microphone.


 

Someone left a carrier bag hooked over my front door knob last night.  

I hadn’t realised that Aldi sold dog dirt !


 

What’s the difference between a Lada car and a Jehova’s Witness ?

YOU CAN SHUT THE DOOR ON A JEHOVA’S WITNESS 

 


 

In the 1960s a Russian guy was told by his Lada garage that there was a 10 year wait for delivery of his new car

Having been given a date, he asked the salesman if that was morning or afternoon

Why on earth do you want to know that ?   said the salesman 

He said 

I’ve got the plumber coming in the afternoon 


 

Can you believe it

 

Monica Lewinski has just turned 50

 

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling on the floor in the White House putting everything in her mouth 

 

They grow up so quick, don’t they ?

 


 

 

Lying next to her new husband in the Matrimonial Suite

she said

Have you started yet ?

 

He said

 

I finished 10 minutes ago 

 


 

Nigella Lawson walked away from an abusive husband

and she admitted to using recreational drugs

I ADMIRE HER FRONT 

 


 

What’s the difference between Nigella Lawson and a jog ?

One’s a pant in the country ……..

 


 

Missed the gym today

That’s 20 years in a row 

 


 

‘Mr. Smith’, the Divorce Court Judge said

‘I’ve decided to give your wife £375 per week’

‘That’s very good of you’ said Mr. Smith

‘And every now and again I’ll give her a few quid myself ‘

 


 

An Italian gigolo made mad passionate love all night to a young lady.

Afterwards he asked

‘You feenish ?’

No, she said

So away he went again for another couple of hours non-stop, never missing a stroke

‘You feenish ?’ he asked again.

No, she said

‘I’m Norwegian ‘

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

A very elderly couple went to the doctor, looking very embarrassed

The old geezer told the doctor that they were having problems with their sex life 

‘When did you first notice this ?’ asked the Doc.

His wife said

‘Five times last night and twice this morning !’

 


 

I just got an email from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining that they are not a dating agency 

 


 

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think that 2 minutes every 6 months is going to get rid of my beer belly 

 


 

My sex life is like a Ferrari

I don’t have a Ferrari 

 


 

Just bought a nearly new 55″ Sony flatscreen television for just £50.

Only fault with it is that the volume is stuck on maximum

I couldn’t turn it down 


 

For ages, I felt like a man trapped in a woman’s body 

but after I was born I was okay.

 


 

 

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.

 

It was only when I had my trousers around my ankles that I realised that she wanted to rent out her spare room 

 


 

What makes men chase women that they have no intention of marrying ?

 

It’s the same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving 

 


 

The wife packed my bags and shouted

GET OUT !

She said

I wish you a slow and painful death, you cad !’

‘I’m pleased you’ve changed your mind and want me to stay’ I said.

 


 

 

I spent several hours defrosting the fridge last night

or foreplay

as she likes to call it 

 


 

Newcastle United’s Senegalese player Papiss Cisse has been warned by the club that if he refuses to wear their new Wonga shirt he will be fined £10,000, rising to £2.4m if not paid by the end of the month.

 


 

Newcastle manager Alan Pardew has told his players to ignore all the criticism about their sponsorship by loan-shark company Wonga.

He told them to get out on the pitch and give it 6,000% !

 



I’m on a Wonga diet.

I lost over 200 pounds on the first day

 


 

A Call Girl got a letter from the tax authorities asking her why she had put her occupation down as Chicken Farmer.

She replied

‘I raised over 5,000 cocks last year’ 

 


 

I bought the mother-in-law a cemetary plot for her Christmas present a couple of years ago

Last year she complained that I hadn’t bought her a Christmas present.

I said

‘You haven’t used the last one I gave you’ !

 

‘Anyway’,

I said to her

‘You know I worship the ground where you are going to be buried’

 


 

I asked the wife what she would like for a birthday present.

She said

 

‘Something shiny that goes from 0-180 in under 5 seconds’

 

I bought her some bathroom scales !

 

I am due out of hospital next week.

 


 

When a man talks dirty to a woman it is considered sexual harassment

When a woman talks dirty to a man it is £7.50 per minute (charges may vary) 

 


 

Started sneezing uncontrollably at Tescos.

Went to doctor who said it was just that I am allergic to horses 

 


 

 

Quazimodo has been made redundant as the bellringer at Notre Dame.

At least they gave him a LUMP SUM and BACK PAY 

 


 

(Horsemeat scandal)

 

Tesco’s no longer give you a receipt at the checkout

You get a betting slip


 

It’s a boy !

It’s a boy !

he shouted out,

with tears streaming down his cheeks.

 

He vowed never again to visit a Thai brothel 

 


 

Alcohol does not solve any problems,

but then neither does milk 

 


 

 

Judge to prostitute :

When did you realise young lady that you had been raped ?

Prostitute :

When his cheque bounced 

 


 

 

Women will never be equal to men until they learn to walk down the street with a bald head, a six pack of beer and a huge beer gut and still think they are sexy 

 


 

 

Why not go on a SAGA cruise ?

Know what SAGA stands for ?

 

Sex Annually Generally August

 


 

Condoms do not guarantee safe sex

A friend of mine was wearing one when her husband shot him 

 


 

I got sacked as a volunteer at the Salvation Army kitchen on Christmas Day.

All I said was

‘Come on you lot, hurry up, some of us have homes to go to ‘

 


 

Marriage is grand

Divorce can be several hundred grand 

 


 

I said to the wife

I’ve got a problem

She replied

No, we have a problem, we’re a couple, we are married, we are a unit and your problem is my problem as well

Anyway, she said, what’s the problem ?

I said

We’ve got your sister pregnant 

 


 

Man went to the dentist to get a tooth out.

The young lady dentist asked him to take a pill.

It’s Viagra, she said

I need something to hold onto when I’m pulling your tooth out 

 


 

The new Curate said to the Vicar

‘What’s the difference between an organist and a terrorist ?’

The vicar replied

‘You can negotiate with a terrorist ‘

 


My kids love the fish caught in the Irish Sea just off Sellafield

EVERYONE GETS A LEG 

 



I’ve just had a strobe light put in the bedroom.

Now, when I’m making love to the wife it looks like she’s moving 

 


 

 

They had me telling jokes in a local old folks’ home last week

 

Bless them, they didn’t understand a single gag

 

But they still p***ed themselves 

 


 

Got fixed up with a blind date by my mate.

Have to admit, he did warn me that she was expecting a baby

I felt like a right prat waiting for her in the pub with a nappy on 

 


 

 

In this world of high-tech gadgetry, I’ve noticed that many people who send text messages and emails have forgotten the use of capital (upper case) letters.

If you fall into this category, please take note of the following statement :

 

‘Capital letters are the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse !’

 

Are you clear on that ? 

 


 

 

Was having a sneaky p*ss in the deep end of Tynemouth swimming pool yesterday when the lifeguard spotted me !

 

He blew his whistle so hard that I nearly fell in 

 


 

Be careful what you buy on Ebay :

 

A bloke ordered a Penis Enlarger for £35

They sent him a magnifying glass,  with the instructions     ‘Do not use in Sunlight ‘

 


 

 

What sort of wood

is the haft

of the shaft

of a Rabbi’s knife ?

JUNIPER 

(Gag supplied by Hymie Holdberg …. nice one Hymie)

 


 

A young Scouser went down to the fashionable Liverpool One shopping precinct and into John Lewis’s fashion department !

 

He asked one of the assistants if they sold ladies tights.

 

‘No problem’ she said

 

‘What size head are you ?’   

 


A lady body builder was taking so many pills that she had started growing a male appendage 

She explained to the doctor that she was on steroids

‘Anabolic ?’ he asked.

‘Not yet’ she said 

 


 

(South American Limerick)

There was a young Gigolo named Bruno

Who said ‘Screwing is one thing I do know

While women are fine and sheep are divine

LLamas are numero uno’

 


 

 

A woman went into Boots the chemist.

She asked the male pharmacist if they sold Viagra and he replied in the affirmative.

She said

‘Can you get it over the counter ?’

He said

‘I can if I take three ‘

 


 

When I told them I was going to be a comedian, they laughed.

They’re not laughing now 

 


 

A man was undressing at the window with the bedroom curtains open and the lights on.

His wife said

‘For God’s sake shut the curtains, the neighbours will see you with no clothes on ‘

‘What’s the problem ?’ he asked.

‘They’ll know I married you for your money ‘ she said

 


 

I’m on a Viagra and prune diet.

Quite candidly, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going 

 


I love to pamper my wife after she has had a stressful day

I get the hot tap running

Swirl around the foam and bubbles

And time everything right

So when she walks through that door

She can crack straight on with the dishes 

 


 

A lass from Byker went into her local Police Station.

She told the copper that she had had a pair of knickers stolen from her washing line.

She said that she wasn’t bothered about the knickers, but that she wanted the 12 clothes pegs back 

 


 

A guy bumps into an old mate in Newcastle.

‘What are you doing for a living ?’ he asked.

‘I serve up fast food for a lot of smelly old men, junkies, dropouts, aloholics, unemployed, homeless, and the like’, he said.

‘Do you work in a Drop-in Centre ?’, asked his mate.

‘No’, he said,

I’m a microwave operator in Wetherspoons’

 


 

(September 2011, Gadaffi in hiding)

 

Colonel Gadaffi is reported to have slipped into Jordan.

Her agent made no comment 

 


 

 

Mel, an old sailor, headed for the Fish Quay in North Shields,  looking for a prostitute 

He quickly picked one up and it was back to her council house

He was going as well as he could in bed for a bloke of his age and asked her how he was doing.

 

‘You’re doing about 3 knots’ she said.

 

‘What the hell is that supposed to mean ?’ said Mel.

 

‘You’re knot hard,

You’re knot in

And you’re knot getting your money back ‘

 


 

A Whitley Bay lass woke up next to the bloke who had chatted her up in a pub the night before 

‘Anyway’, she said

‘You told me last night that you were hung like a donkey and could go all night – but you were last in the queue when todgers were handed out and you were finished in less than 30 seconds !’

‘I’m a builder’ he said

‘That was just an Estimate ‘

 


 

A gigolo went to the doctors to get some Viagra to improve his performance 

The doctor said that the extra strong £30 pills would enable him to go for 12 hours non-stop.

He told the doctor that it was not worth £30 for an extra 5 minutes 

 


 

Geordie went to Thailand with the lads and caught an extremely nasty infection over there.

In desperation, he went to see a Thai doctor.

Dropping his trousers in the surgery he asked the doctor if it would have to be amputated 

‘No amputate’ said the doctor

‘In two week it drop off on its own ‘

 


 

A male stripper on Tyneside went to a dance studio to try and improve his act.

He asked the dance instructor if he could show him how to do the splits 

‘Are you flexible ?’ asked the instructor

The stripper said

‘I can’t make Thursdays ‘


 

A bloke said to his mate

‘Have you tried the new North Korean meatballs from Lidl ?’

‘They’re the dog’s bollocks !!’

 


 

An Eskimo cut a hole in the ice and there was a loud voice

‘There’s no fish here !’

‘Is that God ?’ he asked

‘No, it’s the manager of the ice rink ‘

 


 

 

A man goes into Waterstone’s bookshop and up to the enquiry desk.

He said to the curvacious lady on the counter :

‘Have you got that new book about men with really small willies ?’

‘It’s not in yet’ she replied.

‘That’s the one ‘ he said

 


It it rumoured that the Co-operative funeral service are to introduce a glass coffin.

 

It remains to be seen if it will catch on 


 

A man wakes up in Rake Lane Hospital with the surgeon at his bedside.

‘I can’t feel my legs, doctor !’ he wailed.

‘I know’ said the doctor

‘I’ve cut your arms off ‘

 


 

 

A really rough slapper was trying to put the bite on a Veterinary student in a Newcastle

bar 

He asked her if she had a pen 

‘Nee problem Hinnie’ she said

‘Well get yourself back in it ‘ he said.

 


 

New anti-depressant pill for newly-divorced women :

Tricoccagen 

 


 

A farmer was giving his wife one against a fence 

He told her that she was even better than she was when he first met her over 40 years ago.

She said

‘I’m not surprised, the fence wasn’t electrified then ‘

 


 

 

A woman was looking at rings in Northern Goldsmiths.

As she leaned over the counter to look at a ring she unfortunately let go a fart.

She asked the assistant how much the ring cost.

‘Madam’ he said

‘If you fart just looking at it, you’ll sh*t yourself when I tell you the price ‘

 


 

 

A parrot eats all of his master’s Viagra tablets.

The man was furious and put the parrot into the freezer for half an hour to cool down.

When he opened the freezer door, the parrot was covered in sweat.

He asked the parrot why he was so hot.

‘You’ve obviously never tried prising the legs of a frozen chicken apart ‘ said the parrot.

 


 

 

A survey was done recently to see if local people wanted to go into the Euro.

Every single one of those surveyed said that they would prefer to stay in the Giro 

 


 

Draught Bass is an athletic drink.

It makes you run in the morning 

 


 

I hear that supermarkets allow the smell of freshly-baked bread to drift into the store to encourage shoppers to buy bread.

I was in the corner shop down the road last night and I think the old bloke on the counter was trying to sell me toilet rolls 

 


 

 

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic, transvestite ?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary 

 


 

We were having tea with my Mother-in Law the other day, when out of the blue she said

‘I want to be cremated !’

‘Right then’ I said

‘Get your coat on ‘

 


 

Geordie went along to the Antiques Road Show in Newcastle.

He dragged a large heavy object into the studio for valuation.

‘This has been in me sister’s loft for over 60 years !’ said Geordie.

‘I hope your sister has it properly insured’ said the presenter.

‘Why eye man !’ said Geordie.

‘What is it anyway ?’ he asked.

‘IT’S HER HEADER TANK ‘

 


 

Geordie and his mate had come out of the Club and were waiting for a bus in Byker when a lorry went past carrying a load of turf.

‘That’s what I’ll do if I win the lottery’ said Geordie.

‘What’s that ?’ asked his pal.

‘Why man, send me lawn away to be cut ‘

 


 

A teacher took a crowd of young boys to Newcastle Races.

One of them came out of the toilet and said

‘Please Sir, it’s too high to reach ‘

So teacher went in and lifted them up one by one.

He lifted the last one up and said

‘My you’re a very well developed, what class are you in ?’

‘I’m riding the favourite in the 3.30 ‘

 


 

 

Two Bulgarians, Paddy and Mick set off for the sperm bank in London.

Absolute disaster.

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus 


 

Was in London last week and made love to a model.

Unfortunately, I got escorted out of Madame Tussauds  

 


 

Geordie says to his wife

‘Darling, am I really the only man that you have ever slept with ?’

‘Absolutely !’ she replied

‘All the other men kept me awake all night making mad passionate love ‘

 


 

An old fella hit it off with a woman and it was back to her flat.

She said

‘Carry me upstairs and give me a good seeing to ‘

He said

‘I couldn’t possibly do both ‘

 

 


 

What’s the difference between a straight man and a bisexual man ?

About 11 pints of lager 

 


I was at the Munich Oktoberfest and finished up in bed with this lovely volumptuous Fraulein.

 

We were both mortal drunk and in the night she said

‘You have got ze biggest villy that I have ever had unt my hand !!’

I said

‘You’re pulling my leg ‘

 


 

Question :

Who was the only world champion boxer to soil himself in the ring ?

Answer :

Crufts champion 1982

 


 

Took a lass out for a French meal last night.

She had frogs legs and chicken breasts

But a lovely personality

 


 

Took the girlfriend out for a meal the other night.

I was trying to read the menu, but all she wanted to do was to play footsie under the table, which was really annoying me.

Anyway, I eventually ordered a steak.

She got toad in the hole 

 


 

Two old women were standing in the queue for their pensions.

One says to the other

‘I had a burglar last night !’

‘How did he get in ?’ asked the other.

‘I always keep a wee jar of Vaseline by the bed !!’

(Chic Murray)

 


 

A Royal Navy deckhand goes to see the medical officer.

‘Doc, can you really catch Aids from a toilet seat ?’ he asked.

The doctor said

‘Only if you sit down before the other geezer gets up ‘

 

 


 

Anyone who thinks that laughter is the best medicine has obviously never suffered from Erectile Dysfunction 

 


 

A teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

Little Geordie said :

‘Please Sir, my Dad is a nude pole dancer in a gay club.

And if the men pay him, he goes to bed with them ‘

The teacher took Geordie to one side at the end of the class and commiserated with him about his Dad’s occupation.

‘He doesn’t really do that, Sir, he’s an England footballer, but I was too embarrassed to tell the class ‘

 


 

Getting married a second time is like changing your cabin on the Titanic

 


 

How do you make a bull sweat ?

GIVE HIM A TIGHT JERSEY

 


 

Elainor Roosevelt said that she was delighted that they had named a rose after her, but that she was horrified when she read the description in the cataolgue :

‘No good in beds, but great against the wall’ !

 


 

(June 2010)

Ventriloquist Ray Allen has sadly passed away

Lord Charles made no comment 

 


 

Shakespeare retired

because he went

from Bard to worse 

 


 

I wouldn’t say I was a slow developer, but my teacher is pleased to have someone in the class of her own age to talk to 

 


 

After I told the wife that black underwear turned me on,

she didn’t wash my Y-fronts for a month

 


 

I drew a gun.

He drew a gun.

I drew another gun.

Soon we were surrounded by drawings of guns

(Chick Murray)

 


 

Geordie and his wife were at Newcastle Airport.

‘You’re very quiet, Geordie’ she said  ‘Is there anything wrong ?’

‘I just wish we had our piano here !’ he replied.

‘Now, why on earth do you want the piano at the airport, Geordie ?’ she asked.

The Passports and tickets are on top of it ‘ he said.

 


 

My father was from Newcastle.

A more generous man you could not want to meet.

I have the gold watch which he sold me on his death bed

I paid by cheque

Post-dated, of course

 


 

I knocked and the young lady opened the door in her nightdress

I thought at the time,

what a funny place to have a door

 


 

There’s a new slimming course where they remove all your bones.

Not only do you weigh a lot less,

you look more relaxed

 


 

A wife said to her husband

‘I’m leaving you. You think more about football than you do of me ‘

‘You can’t leave me, Pet’ he said

‘We’ve been together for 25 seasons ‘

 


 

A Scotsman and a Jewish friend went out for a meal together in an inexpensive restaurant in Edinburgh.

They picked the cheapest items on the menu, but when the bill came the Scotsman immediately offered to pay

Headlines of the morning paper the following day read

‘Jewish ventriloquist found badly beaten in alley ‘

 


I met this man with a long pole at the Olympic Games.

‘Are you a pole vaulter ?’ I asked

‘No’ said the man

‘I’m German … and anyway, how do you know my name is Walter ?’

 


 

A weedy little cowboy, wearing specs and a big cowboy hat turned up at the Pearly Gates !

St. Peter told him that he would let him in if he had done someone a really good turn down on Earth.

‘Funny you should say that’ said the cowboy

‘I was up in the Dakota badlands when I came across a group of big, nasty, hairy bikers giving a girl a hard time.

I went up to the biggest, hardest, tattooed biker, slapped his face, pulled out his ear-rings and knocked over his Harley !

Then I turned to the rest of them and told them that if they didn’t leave the girl alone, they would get the same treatment !’

‘I’m very impressed’ said St. Peter. ‘When did this happen ?’

‘About 2 minutes ago ‘ said the cowboy

 


 

A big strapping prop forward went to the doctors with a nasty case of jockstrap rash.

The lady doctor told him that she would have to give him a thorough examination and said that

she always warned her patients undergoing this sort of examination that there is a strong possiblity of AROUSAL !

Half an hour later, he put his trousers back on and said that he hadn’t even felt a twinge, to which the doctor said

I didn’t say WHO was going to get aroused ‘

 


 

I got stopped by the Police last night.

He said ‘Blow into that bag !’

I said ‘What for ?’

He said ‘My chips are too hot ‘

 

 


 

A man went to the doctors and explained that he and his wife had been trying unsuccessfully to have a family for years.

‘Drop your trousers’ said the doctor ‘and I’ll take a look !’

As he was taking off his trousers, the man said

‘You know, doctor, I think the problem could be my technique. I don’t think I have the right knack.’

‘You haven’t got the left one either !’ said the doctor

 


 

Guy says to the waiter in a restaurant :

‘Waiter, I didn’t complain when I spotted the fly in my soup, but I’ve just broken a tooth on the zipper !’

 


A very elderly couple were on a blind date watching a movie.

 

During the film the man’s toupee slipped off in the dark and he was rummaging around on his lap looking for it.

Unfortunately his hands wandered up the lady’s dress and she shouted out ‘That’s it ! That’s it ‘

‘It can’t be’ he said

‘Mine’s parted on the left ‘

 


 

Geordie says to his mate in the Working Mens’ Club

‘I’m having fantastic sex with this lass from Byker and her twin !’

‘How can you tell them apart ?’ asked his friend.

‘Her brother’s got a moustache ‘ said Geordie 

 


 

A farmer’s son says :

‘Dad, Dad, Mammy’s told me where I come from !!’

‘Where’s that, Lad ?’ asked his father.

‘From a sugar bowl, Daddy !!’ he said.

His father said

‘Aye, Lad, that’s about the size of it ‘

 


 

A solicitor from a large firm on Newcastle Quayside goes to Heaven !

St. Peter said to him

‘Your name is Jones and you are 487 years old, is that right ?’

‘No, your Honour’ he said

‘I died at the age of 57 !’

‘NOT ACCORDING TO YOUR TIMESHEET’ said St. Peter 

 


Geordie went to the tailors to buy a new suit for his divorce party !

 

‘What side do you dress ?’ asked the tailor.

‘JUST LEAVE IT BAGGY AT THE KNEES ‘ he replied.

 


 

A vicar and his wife were in the kitchen about to have breakfast.

He was surprised when his normally frigid wife asked him if he could ‘do the business’ there and then !

He promptly obliged on the kitchen table at 60 Revs a minute !

‘What brought that about, dearest ?’ asked the vicar.

‘The egg timer’s broken, darling ‘ she replied.

 


 

Two very old men were having a chat in the old folks’ home.

One of them said

‘You know, I feel like a new baby 

I’ve got no hair,

No teeth

And I’ve just filled my nappy

 


 

Two men were playing golf at Whitley Bay, but they were being slowed down by a couple of lady golfers ahead of them.

One of the guys said that he would go ahead and ask them if they could go through, but he hurried back saying that he couldn’t possibly talk to them as one was his wife and the other his mistress 

So the other guy went to have a word with them

But he came back, saying

What a coincidence ‘

 


 

A faith healer was on stage with 2 men from the audience.

One was in a wheelchair and the other had a very bad speech impediment.

He told them to go behind the curtains while he said a few prayers.

The he said ‘Mr. Brown, get out of your wheelchair and come through the curtains !’

There was a God almighty crash behind the curtains, then the ventriloquist in a state of shock said

‘Mr. Smith, can you come and say a few words to the audience ?

A very nervous individual came through the curtains and said ‘He’s f-f-f-f-f-f-fallen d-d-d-d-d-down ‘

 


 

A ventriloquist set up a website : wubbbleyou wubbleyou wubbleyou.com !!

 


 

A bloke was telling his mate in that he had been with his wife to see a Faith Healer.

‘He was absolutely crap’ said the man.

‘In fact’ he said

‘He was so bad that a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out after 10 minutes ‘

 


 

A scruffy little lad got separated from his mother in Fenwick’s department store in Newcastle.

He told a shop assistant that he had lost his Mum.

‘What’s she like ?’ asked the girl.

‘Big dicks and Blue Wicked ‘ he said.

 


 

A man went into a library wearing a dirty raincoat.

He said to the librarian : ‘Have you got a book on the homosexual habits of dwarfs ?’

How low can you get !’ replied the librarian in disgust.

‘That’s the one !’ he said 

 


 

A painter and decorator was making mad passionate love to one of his customers in the bedroom of her house.

They got so carried away that they slid off the bed onto the floor but he never missed a stroke and eventually gave her a mat finish 

 


 

A guy goes to see a Marriage Guidance Councillor with chronic depression.

He was given clear guidance by the Councillor to cheer him up :

‘PLAY YOUR WEDDING VIDEO BACKWARDS ! :

Watch yourself take off the ring,

walk back down the isle,

get back into the car and get the hell out of there’

 


 

A Scotsman finished up in bed with a slapper on a weekend in Whitley Bay.

‘Are you a virgin ?’ he asked her.

‘Of course I am’ she replied …

‘And anyway, why do all you men always ask the same question ?’

 


 

Geordie said to his mate :

‘The wife’s having a bairn in Rake Lane Hospital today !’

His pal said : ‘Is she dilated ?’

‘Wey man’ said Geordie ‘We’re both of us over the moon ‘

 


Geordie put £30 on a horse at twenty to one.

 

It came in at five o’clock 

 


 

A VERY SHORT FAIRY STORY :

Once upon a time there was a handsome young prince who met a beautiful princess and asked her to marry him.

She said NO and they lived happily ever after 

 


 

A man was sitting in the electric chair at Alcatraz.

The Governor said : ‘Is there anything I can do for you before it’s all over ?’

‘Just one little thing’ said the convict

‘Could your possibly hold my hand’

 


 

What’s the difference between a gigolo and a solicitor ?

A gigolo can only screw one client at a time 

 


A farmer heard a light tapping noise on his door.

On the doorstep was a lovely large snail.

He promptly picked it up and threw it as hard as he could into the field.

Two years later, there was another tapping on the door and there was the snail again.

It looked up at the farmer and said :

What was that all about ?

 


 

Wales !

What a fantastic country.

You can get a wonderful wool sweater,

A delicious hotpot,

And lots of rumpy-pumpy.

ALL FROM THE SAME ANIMAL

 

 


 

A young man went to see his female GP to ask if he could have a willy extension on the National Health Service.

‘There nothing wrong with you’ said the doctor.

‘You only need 3 inches ! ….. an inch going in,

an inch going out

and and inch going in and out’

 


 

A kid asked his mother for a Macdonalds burger.

She said she would buy him one if he could spell Macdonalds.

‘Bollocks’ he said

I’ll have a CKF instead ‘

 


The 80 year old owner and skipper of a big luxury yacht in St. Tropez had a 20 year old Thai girlfriend.

 

One of his friends asked him how he was coping with the relationship at his age.

‘Quite candidly, old boy, I can’t keep my hands off her ……. so I think I’ll change the crew ‘

 


 

We’ve stopped using fly killer, as it is patently cruel.

We now spray them with starch and they just glide out of the window 

 


Cherie Blair never wore any makeup.

 

Then one day a man said to her

‘I’m awfully sorry, I was just trying to post a letter ‘

 


 

A couple of Geordies went to the doctor, hoping to convince him that they were suffering from industrial deafness so that they could get a big state handout

The first went into the surgery, telling the doctor that he had worked in the shipyard and was stone deaf.

The doctor said ‘Could you shut the door ?’

As Geordie turned towards the door, the doctor said ‘You can keep walking in that direction, Geordie, there’s nothing wrong with your ears !’

He told his mate in the waiting room that he had been caught out and for his mate not to shut the door.

So his pal went in, saying ‘I’ve got terrible trouble with me lugs, Doc, I can’t hear a thing and think I should get a big payout  !’

The doctor said ‘Could you possible shut the door ?’

‘You can shut the bugger yourself ‘ he replied.

 


 

Gordon Brown said to his Chancellor, Alistaire Darling

‘Describe the shape of the British economy in one word, Alistaire’.

‘Good’, he replied.

‘How would you describe it is two words ?’ asked Gordon.

‘NOT GOOD’ said his sidekick.

 


A man was cleaning his glass eye when he swallowed it by mistake.

 

He was rushed into Casualty and the doctor said, ‘Strip off and bend down and I’ll see what is going on !’

‘I can’t see a thing’ said the doctor.

‘But I can see you !’ said his patient 

 

The next day, the same man got on a double-decker bus in Newcastle.

He promptly took out his glass eye and through it up the stairs, catching it on its return.

‘NO SEATS UPSTAIRS ‘ he said to his wife

 


(Alternative glass eye joke)

A man went to his doctor, having swallowed his glass eye.

The doctor said ‘Drop your trousers and bend down in front of me !!’

‘You’ve got to be joking !’ said the patient.

The doctor said ‘You’ve got to trust me, you’ve got to trust me !’

So the man dropped his pants for the doctor and the eye was staring him in the face !

‘I told you’ said the doctor ‘You’ve got to trust me ‘

 


 

 

A man went into a butcher’s shop.

‘Have you got a sheep’s head ?’  he asked.

‘No’ said the butcher

It’s just the way I comb my hair !!’

‘Do you sell bacon ?’ asked the customer.

‘Lean back’ said the butcher

so the man leaned over backwards, looking up at the ceiling 

‘I bet you can’t reach the meat on those hooks up there !’ said the man

‘How do you work that out ?’ said the butcher.

‘The steaks are too high !’ said the man.

 


 

‘A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it’

(Bob Hope. 1903 – 2003. English born comedian)


 

TRUE STORY : Gateshead councillors were discussing how to improve Saltwell Park.

One of the councillors suggested that they put a gondola in the lake as a feature.

Another councillor said ‘Why don’t we buy two, then we can breed off them ?’

 

ANOTHER TRUE STORY FROM A LOCAL COUNCIL MEETING :

A North Tyneside councillor is reported to have said at a meeting, and I quote :

‘There have been certain allegations made at this meeting and I would like to say that I am not happy with what some of the alligators have been saying’


A man went to North Shields Job Centre looking for work as a tree surgeon.

He was asked if he had any previous experience and said he had worked in the Sahara.

‘The Sahara Desert ?’ asked the assistant.

‘Is that what they are calling it now  ? replied the man

 


 

Two very elderly gentlemen were having a beer together in the Whitley Bay Comrades’ Club.

They were reminiscing and one said to the other :

‘Can you remember the first time you made love to a woman ?’

His friend scratched his head and said :

‘To be honest …… I can’t remember the last time’


 

A ventriloquist went to the job centre looking for work.

The only opening on offer was for a spiritualist working on Brighton Pier.

Shortly after he started, a woman walked in saying that she had lost her husband a year ago and asking how much he charged.

‘Well’ said the ventriloquist

‘For a tenner I can speak to your old man, for twenty quid he will speak back and for fifty quid he’ll talk to you while drinking a glass of water’


Judge says to Geordie

‘You’re up in front of me again for drinking !’

‘Fine’ says Geordie

‘Let’s get started’


A girl gets married to an avid golfer and on the first night she says to him

‘Pet, I have a confession : I’m a hooker !!’

‘That’s okay love’ he said

‘Just turn your hands on the grip to the right ‘


Geordie said to his mate

‘I used to think I was fantastic in bed, then I found out that the girlfriend has asthma’


A woman went into the Green Market in Newcastle to buy some fruit and veg.

‘How much are your tomatoes ?’ she asked the man.

’50p each’ he replied.

‘You know where you can stick them ‘ she said

‘I can’t’ replied the greengrocer

I’ve got a £2 cucumber in there already ‘


Geordie was telling his mate in the Club that he had been hit in the eye with a firework.

‘Did it do you any harm ?’ asked his friend.

‘Well’ said Geordie ‘the doctor says I have a detached rectum’


Geordie had Athlete’s Foot and the chiropodist advised him to put a clean pair of socks on every day.

After a week, he couldn’t get his shoes on


A ventriloquist is on stage and telling joke after joke about blondes when a fat blonde woman in the audience shouts out :

‘I’m sick of those blonde stories ….. it’s just not true that blondes are thick !!’

The ventriloquist began to apologise, when the woman shouted back

‘You keep out of it, I’m talking to that cheeky little git on your knee’


 

If at first you don’t succeed …… skydiving is not for you


A little lad comes home from school in Byker.

‘Dad’ he said

‘I ran behind the school bus and saved 50p’

His father clipped him around the ear ….

‘You should have run behind a taxi and saved £10’